Almost 10 years later...

 NOTE: What a cliffhanger! My last post ended with a phrase encouraging you to look for updates soon. Goodness me. A lot has happened... and I could not for the life of me tell you what we had been so busy with around this time ten years ago.

I'll do a quick catch up in a different post, very soon!

Over the past couple of days, God has been bringing my attention to a blog that I wrote many years ago. This one. I had not been entirely sure why, except that I had been walking my way back to walking in a more dependent relationship with Jesus lately. This morning, at 5:30 I woke up to a part of a song we sang at church recently. The words coursing through my head and heart, even before I could put a coherent thought together were these:

You won't let go, You won't let go
You won't let go of my hand
And even in the battle, You are with me
And I will not be broken in the fight
And You'll go before me and behind me
You'll never let me go, You'll never let me go

These six lines kept playing in my head in a loop, slowly becoming louder. Now, I went to bed late last night - it was after 1 this morning before I was able to fall asleep. Yesterday was a major blessing to my heart and mind and between that and other things happening in our home I had a hard time settling down for sleep. So, when I woke up this morning and saw it was only 5:30 the LAST thing I wanted to do was give up my morning to sleep in because I could not silence the noise in my head. However, a pastor once said to me, well... not to me, but to the entire congregation "If you are awakened from a dead sleep with praise songs or scripture going through your head, you'd best get up. The Lord is calling for you to spend time with Him!" So... I got up. 

I am not a morning person, y'all. I stumble around with cobwebs in my brain until I'm mostly through one cup of coffee. Cory makes the coffee... do you see the problem? I could not just wake him up to make coffee, or to remind me how to make coffee, because Jesus was calling for my time. 

Little did I know, I wouldn't need any coffee! I made it out to the kitchen and sat down to start spending time with Him. I listened to the song You Won't Let Go because it was still tumbling around in my head and also, I figured if it was what God chose to wake me up with then I should probably turn it on and really listen to it. When it got to the part of the song that had been resounding inside of me, something happened. It was like everything went dark around me, and this bright white fluff that looked like both cloud and smoke simultaneously settled over me and and then made a loud "whoosh!" as it flew down covering me from my head to my toes. It was all around me and through me and I instantly had these thoughts - "This is like that verse!! The cloud coming and filling up the temple verse!!! The one in that post that God keeps bringing to my mind. Ugh! I have to find that blog post... like right now!"  

And I sat in awe and gratitude... that even though I am nowhere near as strong in my faith as I was eleven years ago God took the cry of my heart then - for God's glorious presence to fill me up like it had that temple - and answered it all these years later as I am more broken and more confused and He chose this moment to grant it! 

On the glorious splendor of Your majesty, and on Your wondrous works I will meditate. 

Thank You, Jesus, for this amazing experience. Thank You, God for all of the blessings that You provide every day for us, for calling my attention to you even when it seems like I don't have time to do more than I am already doing in a day. Thank You for dismantling my writer's block, and thank You for coffee!!! Help me to walk with You, today and every day. Help me to hold fast to Your hand, Your Word, and Your Way. Teach me how to lead and how to follow. I believe Lord, help my unbelief. Amen.

Beauty From Pain

Over the past year a dream has been growing inside of my mind, and my heart. This dream was totally given to me through the Holy Spirit. God has a mission for me. Remember the post I did about beauty from pain? Well, I finally see it, I can almost reach out and touch the beauty.
As most of you know I am currently a full-time student. I have 4 more [heavy] quarters (unless I choose to do 5 lighter ones) until I have my Associate's; from there I will get my Bachelor's in Psychology and then my Master's in the Arts of Counseling. It will be a long journey yet. After my Associate degree is done I will have almost another 4 years - if I can continue to go to school full-time. I will need my Master's degree to complete this picture.


We've been quite busy in other areas of our life. Look for an update soon on here!

Your Beloved Needs You Now

Father, Your ways are not my own. I cannot comprehend them. I do not know the plans You have for my life, and for Cory and I together. Lord, I am so disappointed, my heart aches. I know that You are so much bigger than any thing, including modern medicine. Cory and I have faith that You can open my womb and allow pregnancy to happen. We don't understand why this hasn't happened, but we are choosing to trust You through our disappointment. Lord, I do not want to go through fertility treatments - but if this Your path for us, please make that clear. Father, if Your plan for us does not include children please take away our desire to have them. I will not be discouraged, or afraid. You are in control, and we know this. Help us to draw on Your strength to sustain us. Amen.

We received news that I am still not ovulating. My doctor was shocked to see this - and even more shocked by my very low progesterone level. This is the last month we will be trying Chlomid. If I do not ovulate this month my doctor is referring us to an infertility specialist. She said if this doesn't work for us this month there is nothing more she can do.

I feel like I am constantly praying... It's hard not to be discouraged, but God commands us not to. "Have I not commanded you? Do not be discouraged or afraid, for the Lord God is with you always."

Forgiveness of My Heart

  I

I just love this song! My soul begins to soar when I hear the first chords of it playing. How AMAZING our God is! One of my favorite phrases from this song is, "You see the depths of my heart and you love me the same". I find this pretty difficult to fathom. I know what goes on in my deepest heart. I know the thoughts and desires I have that would not please Christ. I am amazed by God's choice to love me, regardless!


Amazed - greatly surprised; astounded; suddenly filled with wonder

There is nothing I can do to deserve Heaven. There is nothing I can do to deserve to be a child of God. Nothing any of us can do. We are not perfect. The Bible tells us we all fall short of the Glory of God!

But... God had a plan. He sent his Son, Jesus Christ, to earth. Jesus took on flesh, was born of a womb. He was raised by a carpenter and his wife. He grew up, all the while knowing what his destiny was. He began his ministry and created a revolution everywhere he went between the "religious" leaders and the people. He healed, he pardoned, he forgave. He was beaten, mocked, scorned, ridiculed, spat upon, whipped, received a spear in his side, a crown of thorns on his brow, and spikes (not dainty nails we use to hang picture frames up in the home) driven through his hands and feet. He took on the weight of the entire world's sins... those who had loved him and accepted him, those who had rejected and mocked him, and those who hadn't met him. Everyone. Jesus died for every one. Even while dying he was asking for forgiveness for others, "Forgive them Father, they know not what they do."

Christ lived a perfect life. We are called to model ourselves after Christ. I am ashamed to sit here and think upon so many times where I harbored unforgiveness for someone; times where I intentionally was hurtful with my words and attitude; instances where I was not modeling Christ - who then was I modeling? Malachai 3:17-18, "“On the day when I act,” says the LORD Almighty, “they will be my treasured possession. I will spare them, just as a father has compassion and spares his son who serves him. And you will again see the distinction between the righteous and the wicked, between those who serve God and those who do not." If I am not modeling Christ, not living to please him - it makes me wicked!

But there is hope friends, I found it! Jesus said, "I have not come to call the righteous, but the sinners to repentance." (Luke 5:32)

Repent - to feel sorry, self-reproachful, or contrite for past conduct; regret or be conscience-stricken about a past action, attitude, etc.

"Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death." 2 Corinthians 7:10

1 Peter 2:24 “He himself bore our sins in his body on the cross, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; by his wounds you have been healed.”

Father, thank You for the cross. Thank you for your love, so much love that you condemned your Son to die for the forgiveness of my sins. Lord, please purge my heart and mind of things that are displeasing in Your sight. Help me to always be mindful, Jesus, of the suffering you bore at my expense. Help me to live a life that is holy, righteous, and pleasing to you.

"For it is written: ‘Be holy because I, the LORD your God, am holy.'" 1 Peter 1:16

I am striving to be holy, because my God is holy, and He calls me to be. If I am holy, and modeling myself after Christ, then there won't be room for things in my heart that would bring shame to myself, or to God.

Warning: Construction Zone Ahead

Demolition and Remodeling is taking place in our home right now.

Cory ripped off the drop ceiling tiles that remained downstairs. He gave himself a corneal abrasion in the process, praise God that his eye didn't get infected and the antibiotic drops from the hospital helped his eye to heal.

We bought more tape and mud, screws, air vents, wood for the box frame for the air ducts, and drywall. The drywall is up and all that needs to be done now for the ceiling to be complete is 3 times of mud-ding and sanding. Then I can paint!

Things aren't coming together with this project the way that we had hoped they would. It certainly isn't on track to be done by Thanksgiving. But Cory and I have been praying for clarity on our priorities. While it pains me a little to say that there is a really good chance it won't be done by my deadline it will get done when it gets done. We have a roof over our head, we have family coming over and we're going to have a great time with - or without - a finished ceiling.

It's hard to understand God's timing. We have this ceiling project most of the way done. Now, the clutch in the Tuscon needs to be replaced, we've been quoted upwards of $700! We have a van that we were given, but last winter the brake line broke and we didn't worry about repairing it because we had another vehicle. So, now, my poor husband is spreading himself between working, trying to get the ceiling done, wondering which vehicle to fix first. He bought tools and such to repair the brake line himself, but he needs daylight to do it. Last week he had to be in another city an hour away from 8 - 5 for training, so he couldn't work on the vehicles at all last week. We just keep praying for God to show us His way, and ask that you would pray for us, too.


Walls are continuing to come down emotionally, as well. I have had so many convictions come through reading, praying, worshipping, talking to God and really putting myself in the moment and thinking about how things come out of my mouth. There were thoughts and feelings I had that I didn't think Cory would appreciate or understand. Before I knew it, I was building up walls around myself. It was high-time I was honest with him. About where he stood and where I thought he should stand. About where I stand and where I should. About what God wants out of me, him, our marriage. We're learning. We're trying to help each other. But more importantly, we're on the same page. We long to grow in our love of each other, and our love for God. We've sought out a strong Christian couple in our church who we can share with, learn from, pray with. A couple who can help us learn to grow our faith and our marriage into more than we ever thought it could be.

Cory and I are so blessed by our church family. We love our small group members! We have "couple" friends that we get together with on a regular basis for dinner & game night. We'll all bring a dish or drinks and meet at a couple's house and play games and fellowship for a couple of hours. It's good to be around them! We've been blessed to make quite a few friends in the church. We even had our pictures done a couple of days ago by a fellow church-goer. She did a phenomenal job and we are so pleased. We're looking forward to making Christmas gifts with some of them for our families.

I've had hours to sit and read books, which is something I relish. I love to read. I love the written word. I've been reading Karen Kingsbury and finished 2 of her series. I am waiting to get the last book the third series I am trying to finish. The most helpful book that I have read recently though is The Power of A Praying Wife. I've recommended it to several of my friends. It was such a blessing, even when I was so convicted over things I'd been neglecting to do!

I'm keeping busy crocheting things right now. Our church is participating in a Share-A-Christmas program and this month at the ladies' meeting we learned (I helped teach) how to crochet a scarf. We're all going to add our crocheted scarves into the things that are being donated/bought for the program. It was nice to get my crocheting back out, it had been awhile.

Oh! Meet the newest addition to our family, Bella. She is 8 months old.

Those of you who were hoping Bella was a baby, please keep hoping and praying for us. God's promise to me didn't say we would never have children, He simply told me I needed to find a way to be content with or without them. We've reached contentment. But we're still trying, and waiting. The adoption avenue seems to get more narrow as we are still being held up by "higher powers" (namely the IRS).

I am so grateful that even in the midst of storms trying to assault us, God is amazing. He provides. He answers prayer. He is showing himself to be faithful, unwavering, and loving. He has poured so many blessings on us. As I recount them, and remember how faithful He has been, how true to His promises to me - I am awed. Starstruck almost. My mouth is agape and my eyes are filled with wonder.

Father, your love amazes me. You cause me to hold my breath when I look at where You have brought us over the past year. You have proven yourself stronger than my greatest weaknesses. You helped me release the pain I had been carrying. You filled the void that has been in my heart and soul for years with love, laughter, and great friends. Your mercies are new every morning. Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord. Thank you for making my life so full, and showing me what laid past the horizon I buried myself behind. You turned all of my pain into something so beautiful. Your fires purified so much of the "old self" that needed to be put to rest. Thanks God!

Filling in the Gap

Wow! I can scarcely believe that my last post was as long ago as it was!!

Let's see if I can summarize the past few months:

In June I began college classes at a community college. I am working on my associate's degree, but the end hope finds me with a Master of Arts in Counseling. I have a loooong way to go! Unfortunately, my financial aid fell through for Fall Quarter and now I may need to rethink my college plans... at any rate it will take longer than I anticipated to get from my associates to my masters. I took Intro to Psychology I, Cultural Diversity & Racism, FYE, and Speech over Summer Quarter. Classes lasted through the second week of August. Pretty much all of my time was devoted to studying, researching, and writing papers. My fabulous husband really stepped up to the plate, helping me clean up around the house, and cooking EVERY meal ate at home during the quarter. I finished the quarter with a 4.0 GPA, and a very sensible dose of self-esteem! Hopefully, the situation with financial aid will straighten itself out before Winter Quarter begins. If not, we have some back up plans.

My final class was on August 12th. That evening I picked up my if-I-could-adopt-a-little-brother "brother" Vance and a friend of his, and we left for Florida. We went down to volunteer at a Back to School Bash that an old friend of mine helps to coordinate. We also went down to spend time at the beach!

The one to the left of me is Vance, then yours truly, Mike (who is my friend who coordinated the event) and Josh on the right. There were 9,000 stuffed backpacks that we were helping to give away to kids in Central Florida. Last year the line was over 2 miles long. This year they expected 25,000 people to come for help. Free haircuts, immunizations, eye screenings, and health screenings were provided.







We went to New Smyrna beach, and we hung out with my aunt & uncle and cousins in Winter Springs. We went bowling, and went to Wonder Works in Orlando. I took them to the house I grew up in at our old subdivision. It was vacant and had a foreclosed sign on it, so they went exploring the outside. We went into the backyard and I was so disheartened to see that one of the former owners removed the in-ground pool! I have a lot of fond childhood memories from that house, it was so sad to see it rundown.



<-- Vance & Josh hamming it up at New Smyrna Beach

Vance & me at the beach

Then we left Florida and went to Virginia and spent a couple nights at my parents' home. They hadn't seen Vance for 12 years, needless to say he was all grown up. We went spelunking at Endless Caverns. But basically, we just rested there. That drive to Florida is a killer!

August also saw both Cory and I ringing in our 30th birthdays! He feels "old." I'm excited to see what the next 30 years will bring our way. September came and went by so fast I barely noticed. Cory and I went to the Outer Banks where we had rented a beach house with my parents for a week. It was nice to get away, the weather was quite cooperative most of the time. I was stressing about getting back home right before Fall Qtr was due to start, so I wasn't having the best time possible. But it was good to be with them, to just hang out playing cards, to cook together... to laugh together. It was peaceful to just walk the beach combing the sand for shells. We celebrated our 9th wedding anniversary on September 14th.

Once we came back here and college didn't happen for me I began to panic a bit. I questioned what I was doing, whether or not it was the right choice to go to school, and many other things. What I didn't do right away is what I should have done, taken it to my Father. I have been reminded - sometimes with more force than others - that He sees the big picture, I only get it in fragments. I need to be more thankful for that! I am afraid if I saw the big picture I would be neurotically making plans to take control and make it happen. God is in control. And God is good - ALL the time, especially when it doesn't make sense!

Cory and I became members of our church a couple of weeks ago. Our churches small groups have started up and we are involved in one. And it just happened that one of the couples in our small group needed a babysitter part-time, three days a week. Their former sitter is expecting and resigned. If I had been in college there is NO way (read my lips - NOOOOOOO way) I could have stepped in. I told them that I could watch their boys through the end of the year, possibly longer depending on how the financial aid thing turns out. The extra money comes at *just* the right time for us! We begin tearing apart the other drop ceiling in our house tonight, and the rebuilding of a new drywall ceiling begins later this week. We are hoping to have the ceiling done, a coat closet built, new flooring, and the room painted by Thanksgiving. Keep in mind we were planning to do this while I was taking 17 credit hours this quarter. God is good - All the time!

Cory's overtime is running out, and thankfully he is guaranteed (because his job is union backed) 40 hours of pay a week, even if there isn't 40 hours of work. The money from the babysitting job will come in handy this winter when our electric bill is ridiculous (again). Although, we're hoping that we can save up and buy a wood stove as our gift for each other this Christmas... and if not I might have to make him insulate some rooms so we can get some relief from the cold.

September we celebrated being in our own home for a year, also. We've made friends in church; met some of our neighbors; completed adoption training; completed the kitchen, the mud room, the laundry room; paid off some debts; taken a real vacation; we have recently begun walking the dogs every day (even on the cold and/or rainy ones). I am thrilled, ecstatic even to say that I have lost - and maintained the loss!!!!!!!! - 31.7 pounds over the past year. I don't know how much Cory has lost, but he has lost weight and kept it off as well. This year has been very good to us. Praise God.

Watch the Way You Talk!

I have a slight tendency to be .... sarcastic. I know, some of you that may take by surprise. *wink* But, I assure you, I am - it is not something that always brings me pride. Lately, I have been thinking to myself that I should really, really try to knock it down a few knotches.

Especially because I have this habit of reminding my fabulous husband that he should watch himself so that the only things coming out of his mouth are helpful for building others up. I am currently cringing and the thought chorus going through my head is "Hypocrite!"

In Ephesians, Paul writes to the church at Ephesus to encourage them. I very much like The Message version of Ephesians 4:29, because it just hits the nail on the head... there is no way you can read the verse and think, "but does it really mean {insert}?" It is direct, (much like my sarcasm tends to be) and it reads:

"Watch the way you talk. Let nothing foul or dirty come out of your mouth. Say only what helps, each word a gift."

Pretty black and white. If I were to sit down and see a computerized version of everything I said on any given day - gulp - I am afraid that more often than not my gifts to those around me, or those far away (gotta love technology!) are not the pretty kind, you know those large, lavishly decorated gifts someone always brings to a birthday party or wedding or Chrismas. The kind that when other people see it they think "Goodness! I hope that's for me! Surely something great is in there! Oh I hope! I hope!" Yeah, most of my 'gifts' are not those kind.

I'm reminded of a story called Nails in the fence. And, here it is:

There once was a little boy who had a bad temper. His father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper he must hammer a nail into the back of the fence. The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence. Over the next few weeks, as he learned to control his anger, the number of nails hammered daily gradually dwindled down. He discovered it was a lot easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence.

Finally came the day when the boy didn't lose his temper at all. He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail each day that he was able to hold his temper.

The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that the nails were all gone. The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence. He said, "You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one. You can put a knife in a man and draw it out. It won't matter how many times you say I'm sorry, the wound is still there."

A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one. Friends are very rare jewels, indeed! They make you smile and encourage you to succeed. They lend an ear, they share words of praise, and they always want to open their hearts to us.

Just one more thing.... please forgive me if I have ever left a hole in your fence.

If you removed the bad temper and made it a woman who said things sarcastically, that could be me... And as I was sitting here typing that story the Holy Spirit moved inside me and prompted this thought, "Jesus has your nail holes - for everytime you said something you shouldn't, for everytime you spoke in anger, for everytime you did something you were not supposed to do. His hands will not be the same, they bare the scars. But, He will make you smile, He encourages you to succeed, He lends and ear, He shares words of praise, and His heart is always open to you."

Please forgive me if my words or actions have put holes into your fences. I am far from perfect, but thank God that He isn't. And He is the potter, making me and molding me into the person He desires for me to be.