Until Only Love Remains

"Break away the ropes that bind,
and hold me to the earth.
The fire only leaves behind
whatever is of worth
I begin to see reality
for the first time in my life,
I know that I'm a shadow,
but I'm dancing in your light."

A great friend of mine, Monica, tuned me into JJ Heller's music. I haven't looked back. She is a great artist. Her my space page is on my toolbar on-line. One click takes me to her page and then one more click finds me happily lost in her music, worshiping with her. Monica also tuned me into Pandora Radio (at www.pandora.com). I very much enjoy that. I have a radio station for oldies music, one for country, and one for Worship. Music is a very integral part of my worship. I feel closer to God; I can't stand still. So many people (artists) wrote so many songs that bring me closer to my Father's Kingdom.

I particularly like "Only Love Remains" for many reasons. One is that Jesus calls us to Love. Everyone. Even those who we find it really, really difficult to love. It's difficult to *think* about loving someone if I am thinking hateful, mean, spiteful thoughts about them.

It's hard for me to think about praying for our adopted child(ren)'s birth parents. No, don't race ahead of me, we haven't adopted yet... we're still in the process. But, I want to pray for the child(ren) we will be adopting. I want to pray for their families... well, scratch that. I don't want to pray for the families. If I'm going to be really honest, I'd like to pray that they are wiped off the face of the earth for the neglect/abuse they have handed to our - I mean, God's - child(ren). However, I know I should. The Word tells us to pray for those who persecute us, and although they aren't persecuting Cory and me personally - they are persecuting those waiting for us. God has, just today, laid it on my heart to begin praying for not just the child(ren), but the parents as well.

Another reason I really like that song is because God's love can do that. If we let it. If we let Him. He wants to mold us into who we are to be. He can't do that until we 'let go and let God'.

Also, the song speaks about the sin we might not be so willing to admit. I've "murdered" people in my heart, in the past... I struggle with it sometimes, still today. But God is willing and able to take that away. He can rip our ties to the world away. He is able. We have to be willing.

I'm not perfect. I'm human, I err. But, I am willing. I want all the ties binding me to the earth - selfish desires. stubbornness. murder in my heart. all the ties - burned. I want to be a shadow of my former self - the worldly self - and I want, so much, to dance in my Father's light. And I want to be able to meet Jesus and God at the heart of worship, knowing I am freed through Christ's sacrifice, and am no longer bound to this earth.

It is the prayer of my heart to learn to love as Christ does. I want to love extravagantly, excessively, beyond what people think they deserve.

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.
- 1 Peter 4:8

Dear Child, Slow Down! Love, Dad

Sunday morning I woke up, sat up, and had a stabbing pain in my "abdomen" - lower, right quadrant. I got up, and we went about our normal Sunday routine. We ate breakfast and left for Sunday School. All throughout the stabbing pain lasted. We walked upstairs for church. Throughout worship, the message, and getting ready to leave the pain lasted. We came home from church and started to get lunch ready, my father-in-law was coming over to eat with us. I couldn't find a comfortable position at this point, standing, sitting, leaning, curled up, it didn't matter.... but I am a stubborn woman. We ate with Dad, and spent a few hours just talking with him. As soon as he left I changed out of my nice church clothes into comfy clothes and Cory and I left for the ER. My pain at this point had me doubled over, and I was catching my breath at points.

Rewind: September 18, 2006, it's early afternoon and I am alone in our apartment in Broadway, VA. Same pain, I can't drive. I can hardly see through my tears. I called my husband and he rushed home from work and took me to the hospital. Long story short, the doctors think I had some ovarian cysts rupture... they also told us that we were pregnant. I don't remember much aside from that. The wonder of it all. That God would place a baby inside of me even when most of the doctors I'd been to told me it wouldn't be possible to get pregnant.

So... as we're getting me checked into the hospital here, I'm thinking... "DO NOT get excited! You're not pregnant this time. And that's okay. Remember? You don't need to have babies to have the full life that God has promised. Don't get excited. You know how depressed you get when you find it you're not."

I'm not pregnant. The doctors don't know exactly what caused my pain, they are assuming it was a ruptured cyst this time, too. They sent us home with some Vicodin for me, and a prescription for more of it and orders for "limited activity for 2 to 3 days." I am not a big believer in pain pills, I don't like them. I am not a fan of losing control over my mental capacities. I took the first one last night, and that was because the pain was bad enough. I got up this morning and made breakfast - Josh has been doing this... Let's just say I am having a hard time with this "limited activity" stuff. Cory told me this morning he was "revoking my ability to do anything today," because I hurt. I can't move my arm higher than my shoulder without pain.

Over the past couple of days, God has been telling me "Be still." I'm trying, Lord. "Are you really?" ... well, I like cooking for my family. The house needs to be cleaned. I need to go upstairs to tell Josh where to put stuff so he and Cory can finish that demolition work.... "Really?" *Exasperated sigh* No, I suppose I don't have to.

Why is it so hard? Doing what we're told? At least it is for me. If someone tells me "be still. sit down. relax." I feel guilty if I listen. My mind starts racing around to everything that needs to be done. And, it has to be done *right*now*.

Please pray for me. The pain doesn't want to go away. And it seems I am having a hard time being obedient to my body, and the doctor's orders, and my husband, and Jesus.

Lord, please help!

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

1 King David was now very old, and no matter how many blankets covered him, he could not keep warm. 2 So his advisers told him, “Let us find a young virgin to wait on you and look after you, my lord. She will lie in your arms and keep you warm.” 3 So they searched throughout the land of Israel for a beautiful girl, and they found Abishag from Shunem and brought her to the king. 4 The girl was very beautiful, and she looked after the king and took care of him. But the king had no sexual relations with her. - 1 Kings 1:1-4

Abishag was chosen to be the live-in nurse for an ailing King David. After his death she found herself a bargaining chip between David's sons, Solomon - who had been chosen as David's successor, and Adonijah - who had tried to become king without his father's knowledge. Adonijah wanted to marry her, and in doing so would probably have used her as leverage in his quest to get the throne. But, what I am wondering is: Did anyone stop to wonder what Abishag thought or felt about this? She was like a dog, or a piece of furniture, it seems.

At home and in the work place sometimes people are treated as objects, instead of as persons. Family members may withhold appreciation; co-workers may treat you like another piece of office equipment. It's important to resist feeling hopelessness during these times. We have remember that God knows us and will always treat us as a person whom He loves.

Bite Thy Tongue

16 But as the Ark of the Lord entered the City of David, Michal, the daughter of Saul, looked down from her window. When she saw King David leaping and dancing, before the Lord, she was filled with contempt for him.... 20 When David returned home to bless his own family, Michal, the daughter of Saul came out to meet him. She said in disgust, "How distinguished the king of Israel looked today, shamelessly exposing himself to the servant girls like any vulgar person might do!" 21 David retorted to Michal, "I was dancing before the Lord, who chose me above your father and all his family! He appointed me as the leader of Israel, the people of the Lord, so I celebrate before the Lord. 22 Yes, and I am willing to look even more foolish than this, to be humiliated in my own eyes! But those servant girls you mentioned will indeed think I am distinguished!" 2 Samuel 6:16, 20-22

Michal mirrors our own tendencies. How quickly we allow bitterness to set in when life throws unexpected punches. But often, bitterness will only make bad situations worse. On the other hand, willing to succumb to God allows Him the opportunity to bring good out of difficult situations.

I am reminded of many, many times where I, over the years, have ignored my husband (or brothers, or mother, or father, or friends, etc) - or even rudely blasted them for their silliness. I am praying daily for more patience... Grant it, some of the things they were doing weren't really of a spiritual nature, but we are to do all things unto the Lord. So, maybe the next time I think Cory is being exceedingly silly, I'll bite my tongue and remember that. Maybe God blessed him and he is excited about it. Either way, I don't want my fate to become that of Michal - 23 So, Michal, daughter of Saul, remained childless throughout her entire life. 2 Samuel 6:23

31a"God's way is perfect." (Even when you see a situation that makes someone appear foolish) 31b "All the Lord's promises prove true. He is a shield for all who look up to Him for protection. 32 For who is God except the Lord? Who but our God is a solid rock? 33 God is my strong fortress, and he makes my way perfect. 34 He makes me as surefooted as a deer, enabling me to stand on mountain heights."
2 Samuel 22:31-33

Maybe the next time my husband has found his silly gene I can appreciate the silliness with him. Maybe we can stand together on that mountain, maybe I won't be so quick to try to pull him off and tell him how foolish he looks. Let it be so, Jesus!

He has set the world in order

“My heart rejoices in the Lord!
The Lord has made me strong.
Now I have an answer for my enemies;
I rejoice because you rescued me.
No one is holy like the Lord!
There is no one besides you;
there is no Rock like our God.

Stop acting so proud and haughty!
Don’t speak with such arrogance!
For the Lord is a God who knows what you have done;
he will judge your actions.
The bow of the mighty is now broken,
and those who stumbled are now strong.
Those who were well fed are now starving,
and those who were starving are now full.
The childless woman now has seven children,
and the woman with many children wastes away.
The Lord gives both death and life;
he brings some down to the grave but raises others up.
The Lord makes some poor and others rich;
he brings some down and lifts others up.
He lifts the poor from the dust
and the needy from the garbage dump.
He sets them among princes,
placing them in seats of honor.
For all the earth is the Lord’s,
and he has set the world in order.

He will protect his faithful ones,
but the wicked will disappear in darkness.
No one will succeed by strength alone.
Those who fight against the Lord will be shattered.
He thunders against them from heaven;
the Lord judges throughout the earth.
He gives power to his king;
he increases the strength of his anointed one." 1 Samuel 2:1-10

This is Hannah's prayer to the Lord after He blessed her with Samuel. She had suffered for years from the despair of not being able to have children for Elkanah. Added suffering and shame came from Penninah, Elkanah's other wife who had no problem bearing children. A woman who wants little more than to provide children for her husband and cannot is broken. Satan likes to take that brokenness and despair and try to apply it to all areas of her life. Relationships suffered between Penninah and Hannah. I am certain that relationships between Penninah's and Elkanah's children and Hannah suffered. I am confident that the relationship between Hannah and Elkanah suffered. Their home-lives must have been a mess!

God heard and answered Hannah's prayers. Hannah discovered that the greatest joy in having a child was to be able to completely and freely give that child back to God. When our relationships seem too hard, beyond salvage, we MUST remember that God displays creativity not only by making things from scratch - but also by bringing order and beauty out of messes.

When we were going through the mourning of our last miscarriage, I discovered a song that really spoke to me. It allowed me to be open with the fact that I was in pain, I didn't have the answers, I was at my lowest point - but it also provided comfort for me in knowing that my Father loved me, He knew and shared in my pain, He has all the answers, and He sat with me, holding me, comforting me, ministering to me in a way that no one else could. Above all I learned that God would take that pain and turn it into something beautiful.

I still don't always see the whole "Big" beautiful picture... but what I do see is this: a marriage that can withstand anything because we make our stand with God; a woman who has re-dedicated herself to chasing after God; a couple who managed to move to Ohio and purchase a home, a husband who managed to beat out many, more experienced, people for a phenomenal job - in the midst of the worst economy we've seen during our lifetime; and an opportunity we are being pushed towards to have our family through adoption. Beauty from pain indeed! Praise be to God!

Just the Way You Are

From: Beyond Me (Carol Stream, Ill.: Tyndale, 1987), 213-214
-Norma Kvindlog and Esther Lindgren Anderson

God's people tend to suffer a lot of false guilt over sins they have already confessed and received forgiveness for. The big ones and the minor ones. Even attitudes. We long to live lives that are beyond reproach. We want to be perfect parents, perfect children, perfect friends, perfect Christians, perfect people. But we are not always empathetic and forgiving. We have trouble demonstrating unconditional love. We are not always kind. Sometimes we even have temper tantrums. And sometimes we are blanketed by depression.
Why do we have all the struggle? Why is it so difficult to see ourselves as God sees us - on the one hand, sinners who cannot be good enough to please him; on the other hand, his beloved children, forgiven and restored? One reason, as we've discovered, is that we're often preoccupied with the opinions of other people rather than God's. We've adopted this world's standards. We judge ourselves and others by those standards, forgetting all that the Father has to say about us.
But as we begin to recognize and accept our standing in God's value system, we can be free from the struggle for self-esteem, the maneuvers to bolster our egos, the fight for our place in the pecking order. Freedom will come when our views of ourselves don't depend on the looks, physique, or intelligence we inherited, the family we were born into, the size of our bank account, or even how others treat us.

Wow. I'm relatively certain that when I read that today, and even while typing it, my cheeks were flushed with some guilt. I've been there. For years, I allowed myself to look at the image in the mirror and see the reflection with worldly eyes. I tell ya, it led to self-loathing... but things changed, God has been faithfully reminding me that I am made in His image and beautiful in His sight.

So, God created human beings, in his own image. In the image of God he created them; male and female he created them. Genesis 1:27

But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Galatians 5:22-23

We can't obtain perfection. But we can work, with the Holy Spirit, towards obtaining the fruits of the Spirit. That is my resolution this year. To bring myself closer to all the fruits of the Spirit... because when I've obtained all of them I'll be living under the guidance of the Holy Spirit. I'll be living more Christ-like.

Sunday Morning "Gold"

Stay on the path that the Lord your God has commanded you to follow. Then you will live long and prosperous lives in the land you are about to enter and occupy. Deuteronomy 5:33

This morning, like quite a few weekend mornings lately, found me awakened around 4:30, with God beckoning....

What if the church for Heaven's sake
Finally stepped up to the plate
Took a stand upon God's promise
And stormed Hell's rusty gates?

What if His people prayed
and those who bare His name
would only seek His face
And turn from their own ways?
....

What if the life that we pursue
Came from a hunger for the truth?
What if the family turned to Jesus
Stopped asking Oprah what to do?

Casting Crown's "What if His People Prayed" lyrics above running through my head like a broken record - OK, Lord, I get it. I'm up. I'm coming. I really, really want to sleep. But I'm turning away from what I want.

I don't normally share my quiet time versus here... but today I will be sharing some. I've been reading through the Bible for the past couple of weeks, and I'm in Deuteronomy right now. Keep in mind, I love to read - my quiet time normally finds me holed up some place reading chapters at a time. Some days I don't make the time, but I'm trying to be very diligent about it - I mean, God *always* makes time for me, right? OK, so... I asked God this morning to help me find some "nuggets" (yes, I said nuggets ) to be able to hold onto.

nugget (noun)

1.	a lump of something, as of precious metal.

2.	a lump of native gold.

3.	anything of great value, significance, or the like: nuggets of wisdom.

After reading - correction: After trying, and failing (strictly due to my weak stomach) to read Leviticus, I was ready for a lump of gold, or precious metal - sure beats slaughtering animals and *gag* spattering their blood on things.

These are some of the nuggets I was provided with this morning. I really feel compelled to share them with you, and I am attributing that to be A God Thing, because I had no intentions of blogging today. :)

⁵ And you must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your strength. ⁶ And you must commit yourselves wholeheartedly to these commands that I am giving you today. ⁷ Repeat them again and again to your children. Talk about them when you are at home and when you are on the road, when you are going to bed and when you are getting up. ⁸ Tie them to your hands and wear them on your forehead as reminders. ⁹ Write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates. Deuteronomy 6:5-9

For we will be counted as righteous when we obey all the commands the Lord our God has given us. Deuteronomy 6:25

He did it to teach you that people do not live by bread alone; rather, we live by every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord.... Think about it: Just as a parent disciplines a child, the Lord your God disciplines you for your own good. Deuteronomy 8:3b & 5

What an amazing, loving Father we have! I don't know about the rest of you, but I am intending to stay on the path He has set before me, to obey His commands, to teach our children (or simply the children in our lives) to love the Lord our God and follow His ways, I intend to rejoice when God disciplines me because He does it out of Love, and I intend to be counted as righteous for obeying the commands He has given me/us.

Bless the Children!

Last night's adoption training was on Attachment and Separation Issues. If I'm to be honest I went away from that class with a range of emotions flooding through me - sadness, anger, sympathy, hope, and mostly humility.

We learned that just because a child's chronological age is 10 doesn't mean upon getting a phone call, "Hi, we've got a 10 year old girl up for adoption. Are you interested?," means that when she comes to live in our home she'll behave like a 10 year old. Now, this is not something that shocked me as most of the children (we've been informed) up for adoption have been abused somehow. She could be 10 years old, but appear to be 8, think like she's 5, socialize like she's 3, and emotionally still be an infant. It was heartbreaking, that class. It invoked a lot of feelings from everyone who participated.

The last activity we did involved closing our eyes and listening to the trainer read a story. I don't remember everything word for word - and I realize you can hardly close your eyes and read this at the same time. But, just put yourself in the place of the story.... Just try to.

Imagine yourself getting ready to come to the training classes tonight. What are you doing? Showering? Making or eating dinner? Rushing out the door, and having to turn back to get your PST notebook? Imagine yourself driving here, you get here, park the car, and come to the door. There's a note taped to the door.

TRAINING FOR THURSDAY NIGHT CANCELED

You get back into your car and head home, deciding to just relax at home instead. You get home, change into something comfortable and head to your favorite room. What are you wearing? What room are you in? Can you see everything clearly? What are you doing? Are you relaxed yet?

BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG on the door

Now how are you feeling? You get up and go answer the door.

"Hi! Here's a trash bag. Go put whatever you need into it. You're coming with me, and hurry up cause we have to go right away." I'm walking past you, pushing a garbage bag into your hands. I follow you to your room. I watch you place your things into the bag. "Let's go!" I hurry you out the front door. You're clutching your garbage bag of possessions to your chest. How do you feel? How do you feel about me? What are you thinking?

"You'll be fine. Trust me," I say as I take your bag from you, and help you get into the car. I buckle your seat belt. I put your belongings in the trunk. I walk around to the driver side and get into the car. I start the car, and we pull away from your house. You're looking out the window, watching your home shrink slowly until you can't see it anymore. How do you feel? How do you feel about me? "Would you like the radio on? I like country and western music. You can put a tape in if you want," I start talking to you. "Did you have school today? My kids didn't. They're 8 and 10, we bundled up and went outside and had snowball fights and made a snowman! It was so much fun! You're going to just love the new house you're going to! I can't wait for you to meet your roommates. You're going to just love them! Trust me." How do you feel? How do you feel about me?

"Look! Here we are! All of your roommates are waiting outside on the porch for you. They're so happy you're here. Look, they're all smiling! Don't they look nice?" How do you feel? How do you feel about me?

What does the house look like? What do they people look like? We go inside and you meet your new roommates. How do you feel? How do you feel about me? I've asked one of the older roommates to help you get your stuff to your bedroom. You follow them slowly upstairs, clutching your bag, looking over your shoulder at me. How do you feel? How do you feel about me? You follow them to your new room. You can hear me laughing in the kitchen, I'm drinking coffee. How do you feel? How do you feel about me?

"Hey!" I call up to you, "I've got to go." You come downstairs. "I'll see you soon! You'll be fine here. These people are really nice. See ya very soon!" I walk out the door. You're standing looking out the door at me as I get into my car. I drive away. How do you feel? How do you feel about me?

There were a lot of emotions in our class during that story and afterwords we discussed them. How lonely and angry and sad and confused these children must be! Those poor little souls. They'd rather be in the environment than they grew up in - no matter how terrible it might be, because that is their comfort zone. How heartbreaking, the stories of physical, emotional, sexual, mental abuse; neglect; malnourishment! They grieve for their homes. They grieve for their families. They grieve - at such young, tender ages.

Pure love arises within a person who is unselfishly concerned with another's need.

Father, bless the children. Help them, heal them. Help the parents, heal the parents. Allow them to "forget about the past and focus on what lies ahead..." break the bad cycles, God. Help us all to love each other purely.

My old self has been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. Galatians 2:20 *Let it be so, Lord.*

Where is God In YOUR Marriage?

That was one of the main points in today's sermon at church. But, it was the ONLY question that really, really stood out to me. *Uncomfortable squirming*

Uh.... well, .... hmmm. I know He's there - I mean here. In our marriage. We pray together about important things. Before meals. But *cocks head to the side* do you mean, Where as in every.single.day? Cause, I'm coming up a little blank on that.
I pray for my husband, I encourage him to pray for me. But, if I am to be honest, there are days - many of them where I just don't. I get too busy (wow. that sounds selfishly shallow), I get distracted. I'm still working on the whole carving out time to spend doing quiet time, which I really want to do.Today, however, this question really hit home for me.

"9 Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. 10 If one person falls, the other can reach out to help. 11 Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? 12 A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken." Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

The above passage was read at our wedding... I don't think it truly sank into my soul - that last sentence. I knew at the time that it meant with God our marriage would be stronger... but somewhere along the way I forgot. We forgot. We put Him aside.

A little over 2 years ago we were going through a really, really rough patch. It was at the year anniversary of the miscarriage of our second daughter. I was inconsolable. I desperately wanted out. Out of life. Out of the marriage. Out of the painful memories. Out of the guilt. I just wanted to disappear, never to resurface again. I began counseling (again) and Cory came with me. Sometime shortly after our sessions began one of us found a quote and shared it with the other. It became our mantra. The words were encouraging, healing even.

Sticks in a bundle cannot be broken.


We were the sticks. We were going to stick it out. Our marriage was the bundle. But, today in church as that memory came back - for a fleeting second - I realized God is the bundle. We may have set Him aside and done our own thing for awhile... but ultimately God is the One who brought this union together. And He is who protects our marriage.

It is on my heart to continue to ask Him for protection for our marriage. I want to be the best wife that I can be. I need to die to my selfish ways in order to do that. I need to remember that God designed marriage and our marriage has been fused together by the Hand of the Creator.

And I will work harder on submitting to my husband and being the best wife I can.

"25 She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future. 26 When she speaks, her words are wise, and she gives instructions with kindness. 27 She carefully watches over everything in her household and suffers nothing from laziness.... 30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised." Proverbs 31:25-27,30

Let It Snow

I am not a fan of the cold. Not even a little bit. The only good thing that the cold weather brings is snow. I love snow. If it could snow at, say, 50 degrees (and actually maintain snowflake form) I'd be a happy camper!

Just over a week ago I woke up at 4:30 in the morning. Wide awake. My eyes focused on my Bible sitting on top of the dresser. I quietly got up, grabbed the Bible and went (read: tried not to stumble) downstairs. I paused by our living room window, our curtains don't actually cover them, they drape around them, we have a streetlight right outside the house, and I looked outside to a blanket of beautiful (albeit cold) white snow with LARGE snowflakes falling... and it was like God was saying "This is what I am doing to your life. Making it as white as snow." It was beautiful. The snow. The analogy. That God wants to do that to me. That He cares enough, not just for me, but for you, for everyone to want to make us white as snow!

My brain was not functioning enough that early in the morning to think "Go, get your camera." So, I took this today, and it's obviously the back yard. But the snow is *relatively* untouched there. And that morning, when I woke up, it was still untouched. The plow trucks hadn't been out yet.


I sat here yesterday afternoon on my bottom steps - which puts me right in front of the window looking out on the street. I watched in fascination as God's power and might came down in HUGE snowflake form, yet again. And I smiled. Because I was reminded that Jesus made all of us white as snow. It's ours for the taking. All you really have to do is claim it.

Josh, my brother, shoveled the snow just before Cory got home from work.

"Come now, let's settle this," says the Lord. "Though your sins are like scarlet, I will make them as white as snow. Though they are crimson, I will make them as white as wool." Isaiah 1:18

"6 He directs the snow to fall on the earth and tells the rain to pour down. 7 Then everyone stops working so they can watch his power." Job 37:6-7

This morning, we woke up to a white blanket enveloping everything. It kind of made me feel warm and fuzzy. What a Mighty God we serve!

I was getting ready to go join Cory and our "furry" daughters in the snow... but he came in and informed me "It's really cold." And we all know how I feel about the cold!!

Bits n' Pieces of our life

Recently it occurred to me that if I wanted to hear *really wanted to hear* what God wanted to tell me that I had to be still. And quiet. Not an easy fete for someone who every year in school got the lovely "social butterfly" stamp at parent teacher conferences. *Rolls eyes* Ah! To have some of that mind set today. The desire and ability to just talk to whoever I wish without fear of rejection or conflict. But, I digress...

I had such an opportunity to be quiet last month on my way to pick up my brother, who lives 7 and 1/2 hours away. Normally my husband and I would have gone but this particular trip I was impatient and just wanted to get there and back, so I went on a Thursday. Without going into all of the details about my life and our life together, here's a glimpse: My dad used to be a minister; we (my hubby and I) used to go to church; I used to be a good Christian - bringing people to know Jesus; we lost two babies in miscarriage; Church became uncomfortable; I started working Sunday through Thursday; we moved to another state where I really, really was hating life for awhile.

God used about 6 hours of that trip to let me know what was on His heart for me and for Cory and I. I admit to being a little hard headed - mostly why it took 6 hours. I also admit to being hard of hearing at times, however that isn't really applicable since God wasn't speaking in an audible voice to me. It was quiet - but very powerful and effective.

I had recently been struggling with the question - Am I really saved? Years of depression, loneliness, pining for our daughters that were only meant to fill my womb for awhile, hurt caused by people in the churches we grew up in, lies spun so effortlessly by Satan bouncing around inside my head like a Super Bouncy Ball... I am pleased to report that over the past few weeks I received my answer, and it is resonating in my head and heart and nourishing my underfed soul.

"1 So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. 2 And because you belong to him, the power of the life-giving Spirit has freed you from the power of sin that leads to death." Romans 8:1-2

I still don’t know what His plans are for us. I don’t know if children are in the future… but for the first time I feel at peace about that. Even if we never have children. He told me “My plans for you are so much bigger than that. What if you never have babies? I have such a bright future for you. I want you to release yourself from your sadness. Every tear you've cried has dried in the palm of My hand” And, I can honestly say that today, I still believe that I will be okay if we never have babies, or children. I was finally able to purge myself of the guilt I'd been carrying around for almost 7 years. Guilt that honestly wasn't mine to have. Wasn't anyone's.

That doesn’t mean we aren’t going to check out some options. But, we are going to do so prayerfully. We have been talking for years about adopting. Recently we had the opportunity to learn about an organization close to where we live that has children available for Foster, Foster-to-Adopt, and/or Adoption only. We are in the process of taking the training required to become adoptive parents. These next three weeks we are in training we are going to be praying that God will move - He will show us what we are to do. If there is to be an adoptive child in our future He will be the one to make that happen.

Besides, we were informed that the majority of the 3,000 children who are in need of adoption are 7 years and older in our area. We quickly shut away that idea… and God, on my solo trip to get my brother said, “Who are you to decide that a 7 year old is not worth your love? Are they not My children also? Do they not deserve a loving home, a mother or a father?” So… I shared that with Cory when I got back home. He agreed that we need to go to the training and that God will provide a child for us if it is His will.

We are in for 3 weeks of intensive, learning-packed courses that are intended to enlighten us and get that parent mojo working. We are excited. And if I'm to be honest, I'm a little nervous. Not nervous of the classes, or being around other people... but nervous of the end result. If we are blessed with a child(ren) through adoption, Will I be a good mother?

Gulp. It's my heart's desire. What I've dreamed of since I was 12. But... I can't help but wonder. It's been Cory and me for the past 8+ years, throw in a handful of cats, fish and dogs along the way... and that's it. Our life. Could I possibly be a good mother? Worthy of raising someone else's child? I don't have the answers. Cory doesn't either. But... I am convinced that if I won't make a good mother, if we won't make great parents, if this isn't His Will for us that God will intervene.

So, we'll plod along down this unknown path and stand together at the gates of potential parent-dom. We'll be praying the whole route through. Will you join us?