Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Beauty From Pain
As most of you know I am currently a full-time student. I have 4 more [heavy] quarters (unless I choose to do 5 lighter ones) until I have my Associate's; from there I will get my Bachelor's in Psychology and then my Master's in the Arts of Counseling. It will be a long journey yet. After my Associate degree is done I will have almost another 4 years - if I can continue to go to school full-time. I will need my Master's degree to complete this picture.
We've been quite busy in other areas of our life. Look for an update soon on here!
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Your Beloved Needs You Now
We received news that I am still not ovulating. My doctor was shocked to see this - and even more shocked by my very low progesterone level. This is the last month we will be trying Chlomid. If I do not ovulate this month my doctor is referring us to an infertility specialist. She said if this doesn't work for us this month there is nothing more she can do.
I feel like I am constantly praying... It's hard not to be discouraged, but God commands us not to. "Have I not commanded you? Do not be discouraged or afraid, for the Lord God is with you always."
Friday, March 4, 2011
Forgiveness of My Heart
There is nothing I can do to deserve Heaven. There is nothing I can do to deserve to be a child of God. Nothing any of us can do. We are not perfect. The Bible tells us we all fall short of the Glory of God!
But... God had a plan. He sent his Son, Jesus Christ, to earth. Jesus took on flesh, was born of a womb. He was raised by a carpenter and his wife. He grew up, all the while knowing what his destiny was. He began his ministry and created a revolution everywhere he went between the "religious" leaders and the people. He healed, he pardoned, he forgave. He was beaten, mocked, scorned, ridiculed, spat upon, whipped, received a spear in his side, a crown of thorns on his brow, and spikes (not dainty nails we use to hang picture frames up in the home) driven through his hands and feet. He took on the weight of the entire world's sins... those who had loved him and accepted him, those who had rejected and mocked him, and those who hadn't met him. Everyone. Jesus died for every one. Even while dying he was asking for forgiveness for others, "Forgive them Father, they know not what they do."
Christ lived a perfect life. We are called to model ourselves after Christ. I am ashamed to sit here and think upon so many times where I harbored unforgiveness for someone; times where I intentionally was hurtful with my words and attitude; instances where I was not modeling Christ - who then was I modeling? Malachai 3:17-18, "“On the day when I act,” says the LORD Almighty, “they will be my treasured possession. I will spare them, just as a father has compassion and spares his son who serves him. And you will again see the distinction between the righteous and the wicked, between those who serve God and those who do not." If I am not modeling Christ, not living to please him - it makes me wicked!
But there is hope friends, I found it! Jesus said, "I have not come to call the righteous, but the sinners to repentance." (Luke 5:32)
Repent - to feel sorry, self-reproachful, or contrite for past conduct; regret or be conscience-stricken about a past action, attitude, etc.
"Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death." 2 Corinthians 7:10
1 Peter 2:24 “He himself bore our sins in his body on the cross, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; by his wounds you have been healed.”
Father, thank You for the cross. Thank you for your love, so much love that you condemned your Son to die for the forgiveness of my sins. Lord, please purge my heart and mind of things that are displeasing in Your sight. Help me to always be mindful, Jesus, of the suffering you bore at my expense. Help me to live a life that is holy, righteous, and pleasing to you.
"For it is written: ‘Be holy because I, the LORD your God, am holy.'" 1 Peter 1:16
I am striving to be holy, because my God is holy, and He calls me to be. If I am holy, and modeling myself after Christ, then there won't be room for things in my heart that would bring shame to myself, or to God.
Monday, November 15, 2010
Warning: Construction Zone Ahead

Things aren't coming together with this project the way that we had hoped they would. It certainly isn't on track to be done by Thanksgiving. But Cory and I have been praying for clarity on our priorities. While it pains me a little to say that there is a really good chance it won't be done by my deadline it will get done when it gets done. We have a roof over our head, we have family coming over and we're going to have a great time with - or without - a finished ceiling.It's hard to understand God's timing. We have this ceiling project most of the way done. Now, the clutch in the Tuscon needs to be replaced, we've been quoted upwards of $700! We have a van that we were given, but last winter the brake line broke and we didn't worry about repairing it because we had another vehicle. So, now, my poor husband is spreading himself between working, trying to get the ceiling done, wondering which vehicle to fix first. He bought tools and such to repair the brake line himself, but he needs daylight to do it. Last week he had to be in another city an hour away from 8 - 5 for training, so he couldn't work on the vehicles at all last week. We just keep praying for God to show us His way, and ask that you would pray for us, too.
Walls are continuing to come down emotionally, as well. I have had so many convictions come through reading, praying, worshipping, talking to God and really putting myself in the moment and thinking about how things come out of my mouth. There were thoughts and feelings I had that I didn't think Cory would appreciate or understand. Before I knew it, I was building up walls around myself. It was high-time I was honest with him. About where he stood and where I thought he should stand. About where I stand and where I should. About what God wants out of me, him, our marriage. We're learning. We're trying to help each other. But more importantly, we're on the same page. We long to grow in our love of each other, and our love for God. We've sought out a strong Christian couple in our church who we can share with, learn from, pray with. A couple who can help us learn to grow our faith and our marriage into more than we ever thought it could be.

Those of you who were hoping Bella was a baby, please keep hoping and praying for us. God's promise to me didn't say we would never have children, He simply told me I needed to find a way to be content with or without them. We've reached contentment. But we're still trying, and waiting. The adoption avenue seems to get more narrow as we are still being held up by "higher powers" (namely the IRS).Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Filling in the Gap
Let's see if I can summarize the past few months:
My final class was on August 12th. That evening I picked up my if-I-could-adopt-a-little-brother "brother" Vance and a friend of his, and we left for Florida. We went down to volunteer at a Back to School Bash that an old friend of mine helps to coordinate. We also went down to spend time at the beach!
The one to the left of me is Vance, then yours truly, Mike (who is my friend who coordinated the event) and Josh on the right. There were 9,000 stuffed backpacks that we were helping to give away to kids in Central Florida. Last year the line was over 2 miles long. This year they expected 25,000 people to come for help. Free haircuts, immunizations, eye screenings, and health screenings were provided.
We went to New Smyrna beach, and we hung out with my aunt & uncle and cousins in Winter Springs. We went bowling, and went to Wonder Works in Orlando. I took them to the house I grew up in at our old subdivision. It was vacant and had a foreclosed sign on it, so they went exploring the outside. We went into the backyard and I was so disheartened to see that one of the former owners removed the in-ground pool! I have a lot of fond childhood memories from that house, it was so sad to see it rundown.
<-- Vance & Josh hamming it up at New Smyrna Beach
Vance & me at the beach
Then we left Florida and went to Virginia and spent a couple nights at my parents' home. They hadn't seen Vance for 12 years, needless to say he was all grown up. We went spelunking at Endless Caverns. But basically, we just rested there. That drive to Florida is a killer!
August also saw both Cory and I ringing in our 30th birthdays! He feels "old." I'm excited to see what the next 30 years will bring our way. September came and went by so fast I barely noticed. Cory and I went to the Outer Banks where we had rented a beach house with my parents for a week. It was nice to get away, the weather was quite cooperative most of the time. I was stressing about getting back home right before Fall Qtr was due to start, so I wasn't having the best time possible. But it was good to be with them, to just hang out playing cards, to cook together... to laugh together. It was peaceful to just walk the beach combing the sand for shells. We celebrated our 9th wedding anniversary on September 14th.
Once we came back here and college didn't happen for me I began to panic a bit. I questioned what I was doing, whether or not it was the right choice to go to school, and many other things. What I didn't do right away is what I should have done, taken it to my Father. I have been reminded - sometimes with more force than others - that He sees the big picture, I only get it in fragments. I need to be more thankful for that! I am afraid if I saw the big picture I would be neurotically making plans to take control and make it happen. God is in control. And God is good - ALL the time, especially when it doesn't make sense!
Cory and I became members of our church a couple of weeks ago. Our churches small groups have started up and we are involved in one. And it just happened that one of the couples in our small group needed a babysitter part-time, three days a week. Their former sitter is expecting and resigned. If I had been in college there is NO way (read my lips - NOOOOOOO way) I could have stepped in. I told them that I could watch their boys through the end of the year, possibly longer depending on how the financial aid thing turns out. The extra money comes at *just* the right time for us! We begin tearing apart the other drop ceiling in our house tonight, and the rebuilding of a new drywall ceiling begins later this week. We are hoping to have the ceiling done, a coat closet built, new flooring, and the room painted by Thanksgiving. Keep in mind we were planning to do this while I was taking 17 credit hours this quarter. God is good - All the time!
Cory's overtime is running out, and thankfully he is guaranteed (because his job is union backed) 40 hours of pay a week, even if there isn't 40 hours of work. The money from the babysitting job will come in handy this winter when our electric bill is ridiculous (again). Although, we're hoping that we can save up and buy a wood stove as our gift for each other this Christmas... and if not I might have to make him insulate some rooms so we can get some relief from the cold.
September we celebrated being in our own home for a year, also. We've made friends in church; met some of our neighbors; completed adoption training; completed the kitchen, the mud room, the laundry room; paid off some debts; taken a real vacation; we have recently begun walking the dogs every day (even on the cold and/or rainy ones). I am thrilled, ecstatic even to say that I have lost - and maintained the loss!!!!!!!! - 31.7 pounds over the past year. I don't know how much Cory has lost, but he has lost weight and kept it off as well. This year has been very good to us. Praise God.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Watch the Way You Talk!
Especially because I have this habit of reminding my fabulous husband that he should watch himself so that the only things coming out of his mouth are helpful for building others up. I am currently cringing and the thought chorus going through my head is "Hypocrite!"
In Ephesians, Paul writes to the church at Ephesus to encourage them. I very much like The Message version of Ephesians 4:29, because it just hits the nail on the head... there is no way you can read the verse and think, "but does it really mean {insert}?" It is direct, (much like my sarcasm tends to be) and it reads:
"Watch the way you talk. Let nothing foul or dirty come out of your mouth. Say only what helps, each word a gift."
Pretty black and white. If I were to sit down and see a computerized version of everything I said on any given day - gulp - I am afraid that more often than not my gifts to those around me, or those far away (gotta love technology!) are not the pretty kind, you know those large, lavishly decorated gifts someone always brings to a birthday party or wedding or Chrismas. The kind that when other people see it they think "Goodness! I hope that's for me! Surely something great is in there! Oh I hope! I hope!" Yeah, most of my 'gifts' are not those kind.
I'm reminded of a story called Nails in the fence. And, here it is:
There once was a little boy who had a bad temper. His father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper he must hammer a nail into the back of the fence. The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence. Over the next few weeks, as he learned to control his anger, the number of nails hammered daily gradually dwindled down. He discovered it was a lot easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence.
Finally came the day when the boy didn't lose his temper at all. He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail each day that he was able to hold his temper.
The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that the nails were all gone. The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence. He said, "You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one. You can put a knife in a man and draw it out. It won't matter how many times you say I'm sorry, the wound is still there."
A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one. Friends are very rare jewels, indeed! They make you smile and encourage you to succeed. They lend an ear, they share words of praise, and they always want to open their hearts to us.
Just one more thing.... please forgive me if I have ever left a hole in your fence.
If you removed the bad temper and made it a woman who said things sarcastically, that could be me... And as I was sitting here typing that story the Holy Spirit moved inside me and prompted this thought, "Jesus has your nail holes - for everytime you said something you shouldn't, for everytime you spoke in anger, for everytime you did something you were not supposed to do. His hands will not be the same, they bare the scars. But, He will make you smile, He encourages you to succeed, He lends and ear, He shares words of praise, and His heart is always open to you."
Please forgive me if my words or actions have put holes into your fences. I am far from perfect, but thank God that He isn't. And He is the potter, making me and molding me into the person He desires for me to be.
Saturday, May 8, 2010
THIS is Who I Am
The world offers so many things that on the surface seem so appealing... alluring... intoxicating... It is sometimes too easy to forget, while we are wrapped up in our chock-full schedules, that this is not our permanent home. It's temporary... if you spend your whole life searching for where you fit in, what have you gained?
"The world and its desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever."
1 John 2:17
True Things by JJ Heller
I’m not the clothes I’m wearing
I’m not a photograph
I’m not the car I drive
I’m not the money I make
I’m not the things I lack
I’m not the songs that I write
I am I am I am who I am
I am who I am
********
I’m not the house I live in
I’m not the man I love
I’m not the mistakes that I carry
I’m not the food that I don’t eat
I’m not what I’m above
I’m not my scars and my history
People often look at others and define themselves by things that are seen or have been done, and while that shows a glimpse of the person it is only the tip of the iceberg. God's Word reveals so much - in so many different areas of life. I was exceptionally pleased to find out that I could .stop. searching for who I am.
I have been incredibly blessed to be doing a Bible study on a book (Confessions of a PMS-Crazed Saint by Lorraine Pintus) that points out something I never noticed! There are 38 "I am" statements in the Bible that reveal to us who we are in Christ. 38 of them! God put them in there because Satan likes to devalue us - to make us feel unworthy, unholy, unloved. The book encourages me to study or meditate on just ONE I am truth and to realize that I can say these 38 statements with complete confidence. Satan cannot remove or make that confidence waiver - know why? Because the 38 I am identities come straight from God, they were not given to me by my husband, my parents, my friends, my fourth grade teacher, they came from my Holy Heavenly Father.
These are the 38 I am identities and I pray that you will claim any and/or all of them as your own!
I am the salt of the earth
I am the light of the world
I am a child of God
I am part of the true vine, a branch of Christ's life
I am Christ's friend
I am chosen and appointed by Christ to bear His fruit
I am a personal witness of Christ
I am a slave of righteousness
I am enslaved to God
I am a son (daughter) of God
I am a joint-heir with Christ and share in His inheritance
I am a temple of God and His Spirit lives in me
I am joined to the Lord and I am one in spirit with Him
I am part of Christ's body
I am a new creation
I am reconciled to God and am a minister of reconciliation
I am a son (daughter) of God and one with Christ
I am an heir of God since I am a son (daughter) of Christ
I am a saint
I am God's workmanship
I am a fellow citizen with the rest of God's family
I am a prisoner of Christ
I am righteous and holy
I am a citizen of Heaven
I am hidden with Christ in God
I am an expression of the life of Christ; He is my life
I am chosen of God, holy and dearly loved
I am chosen and dearly loved by God
I am a son (daughter) of light and not of darkness
I am a holy brother (sister) and I have a heavenly calling
I am a partaker Christ - I share in His life
I am one of God's living stones
I am part of a chosen race and a loyal priesthood; I am God's own possession
I am an alien and stranger in this world
I am an enemy of the devil
I am a child of God; I will resemble Christ when He returns
I am born of God and the devil can't touch me
I am a sheep of His pasture; He cares for me
It's time we took a stand for who we are in Christ. It's time to mentor our children now to learn who they are in Christ, so that as they grow up hopefully they will continue to keep that in their minds and hearts and not search this world looking for themselves.
