Food for Thought

We had a phenomenal class on Saturday. To be honest, it was the one I dreaded most - Discipline and Behavior. Here are some things that I walked away with:

God didn't call anyone to do anything that didn't cost them something (time, love, money, etc).

When these children come into our (the class, and Cory's and mine) homes it's not going to be easy. There are going to be times we think "Wow! Praise God, today was a great day!" but there will be other times where we think, "Really, God? You're sure? You called me to do this? I can't handle another second with these kids!" We found out that a lot - a LOT - of kids who have been abused and traumatized and become adopted return to the system. Their behaviors were more than the adoptive parents felt they could handle.

Now. Just... imagine that. You were removed from your family and put into foster care. Your family couldn't/didn't/wouldn't complete their case plan. They terminated their parental rights. Cut off. From the only real family you knew growing up. Now, you're being adopted, you're self-worth starts to rise... you might even begin to believe that people could love you again... and then bam! You find yourself being removed from that home and put back into foster care. What would you think? Most kids think it's all their fault.

Around 88% of persons incarcerated aged out of foster care - meaning they weren't reunited with their families and no one else chose to love them like Jesus. No one else would look past the behaviors, the attitudes to see the insecurities lying beneath.

Our words are seeds, they will take root and they will either ruin or blossom. Behaviors are just the fruit. If the fruits are undesirable you have to deal with the roots first. When new roots grow, the fruits will change, too. This wasn't completely new to me... however, I finally got it. The issues I've had to overcome with my self-worth, self-esteem, self-loathing - they all came from negative 'seeds' spoken to me, "You're too fat," "You're too skinny," "Why can't you be more like so and so?," "You're stupid!," those seeds took root. They expanded and bloomed. The 'fruit' was tainted. I still have a problem with those roots every once in awhile - like a weed popping up. I have to remind myself of how God sees me.

Is parental intervention adding stress or fear? If so, it's counterproductive. Why do we seek to control behaviors? Is it easy to listen to behaviors? It's not what they say, it's what you hear that matters most. People may scream at you that they hate you, but what they might really be feeling is fear. Things need to not be about the behavior, they need to be about the pain behind the behavior. This really was not new to us. When we were going through the years of depression following the loss of our first baby, I was hateful - and that is putting it mildly; I hurt so badly, but I didn't know how to express it in a healthy manner. Fortunately, thank you Jesus, I don't remember very much from those three years. I begged God to take those horrible memories away from me, I didn't want to be haunted by them - I didn't want Satan to just be able to casually slip them into my day. God is faithful and just. I remember only a few things from that time in our lives. But I remember enough to know that it truly is about the pain behind the behaviors of a traumatized person.

"We seek to express ourselves through attitude, feelings, and behaviors - when these are suppressed, we are left with either rage or depression." - Dr. Post

There are a lot of unknowns at this point in regards to God's plan for our lives. However, we still feel His hand guiding us towards adoption. We have one scheduled class left, and the Adoption Director has told us she'll make up the other classes we missed at our Home Study. Please, please pray for us. Satan loves to thwart those who are trying to walk with God - Cory and I are noticing we are bickering with each other the closer we get to having all of the classes done... just please continue to lift us up.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" - Jeremiah 29:11

He has set the world in order

“My heart rejoices in the Lord!
The Lord has made me strong.
Now I have an answer for my enemies;
I rejoice because you rescued me.
No one is holy like the Lord!
There is no one besides you;
there is no Rock like our God.

Stop acting so proud and haughty!
Don’t speak with such arrogance!
For the Lord is a God who knows what you have done;
he will judge your actions.
The bow of the mighty is now broken,
and those who stumbled are now strong.
Those who were well fed are now starving,
and those who were starving are now full.
The childless woman now has seven children,
and the woman with many children wastes away.
The Lord gives both death and life;
he brings some down to the grave but raises others up.
The Lord makes some poor and others rich;
he brings some down and lifts others up.
He lifts the poor from the dust
and the needy from the garbage dump.
He sets them among princes,
placing them in seats of honor.
For all the earth is the Lord’s,
and he has set the world in order.

He will protect his faithful ones,
but the wicked will disappear in darkness.
No one will succeed by strength alone.
Those who fight against the Lord will be shattered.
He thunders against them from heaven;
the Lord judges throughout the earth.
He gives power to his king;
he increases the strength of his anointed one." 1 Samuel 2:1-10

This is Hannah's prayer to the Lord after He blessed her with Samuel. She had suffered for years from the despair of not being able to have children for Elkanah. Added suffering and shame came from Penninah, Elkanah's other wife who had no problem bearing children. A woman who wants little more than to provide children for her husband and cannot is broken. Satan likes to take that brokenness and despair and try to apply it to all areas of her life. Relationships suffered between Penninah and Hannah. I am certain that relationships between Penninah's and Elkanah's children and Hannah suffered. I am confident that the relationship between Hannah and Elkanah suffered. Their home-lives must have been a mess!

God heard and answered Hannah's prayers. Hannah discovered that the greatest joy in having a child was to be able to completely and freely give that child back to God. When our relationships seem too hard, beyond salvage, we MUST remember that God displays creativity not only by making things from scratch - but also by bringing order and beauty out of messes.

When we were going through the mourning of our last miscarriage, I discovered a song that really spoke to me. It allowed me to be open with the fact that I was in pain, I didn't have the answers, I was at my lowest point - but it also provided comfort for me in knowing that my Father loved me, He knew and shared in my pain, He has all the answers, and He sat with me, holding me, comforting me, ministering to me in a way that no one else could. Above all I learned that God would take that pain and turn it into something beautiful.

I still don't always see the whole "Big" beautiful picture... but what I do see is this: a marriage that can withstand anything because we make our stand with God; a woman who has re-dedicated herself to chasing after God; a couple who managed to move to Ohio and purchase a home, a husband who managed to beat out many, more experienced, people for a phenomenal job - in the midst of the worst economy we've seen during our lifetime; and an opportunity we are being pushed towards to have our family through adoption. Beauty from pain indeed! Praise be to God!