We had a phenomenal class on Saturday. To be honest, it was the one I dreaded most - Discipline and Behavior. Here are some things that I walked away with:
God didn't call anyone to do anything that didn't cost them something (time, love, money, etc).
When these children come into our (the class, and Cory's and mine) homes it's not going to be easy. There are going to be times we think "Wow! Praise God, today was a great day!" but there will be other times where we think, "Really, God? You're sure? You called me to do this? I can't handle another second with these kids!" We found out that a lot - a LOT - of kids who have been abused and traumatized and become adopted return to the system. Their behaviors were more than the adoptive parents felt they could handle.
Now. Just... imagine that. You were removed from your family and put into foster care. Your family couldn't/didn't/wouldn't complete their case plan. They terminated their parental rights. Cut off. From the only real family you knew growing up. Now, you're being adopted, you're self-worth starts to rise... you might even begin to believe that people could love you again... and then bam! You find yourself being removed from that home and put back into foster care. What would you think? Most kids think it's all their fault.
Around 88% of persons incarcerated aged out of foster care - meaning they weren't reunited with their families and no one else chose to love them like Jesus. No one else would look past the behaviors, the attitudes to see the insecurities lying beneath.
Our words are seeds, they will take root and they will either ruin or blossom. Behaviors are just the fruit. If the fruits are undesirable you have to deal with the roots first. When new roots grow, the fruits will change, too. This wasn't completely new to me... however, I finally got it. The issues I've had to overcome with my self-worth, self-esteem, self-loathing - they all came from negative 'seeds' spoken to me, "You're too fat," "You're too skinny," "Why can't you be more like so and so?," "You're stupid!," those seeds took root. They expanded and bloomed. The 'fruit' was tainted. I still have a problem with those roots every once in awhile - like a weed popping up. I have to remind myself of how God sees me.
Is parental intervention adding stress or fear? If so, it's counterproductive. Why do we seek to control behaviors? Is it easy to listen to behaviors? It's not what they say, it's what you hear that matters most. People may scream at you that they hate you, but what they might really be feeling is fear. Things need to not be about the behavior, they need to be about the pain behind the behavior. This really was not new to us. When we were going through the years of depression following the loss of our first baby, I was hateful - and that is putting it mildly; I hurt so badly, but I didn't know how to express it in a healthy manner. Fortunately, thank you Jesus, I don't remember very much from those three years. I begged God to take those horrible memories away from me, I didn't want to be haunted by them - I didn't want Satan to just be able to casually slip them into my day. God is faithful and just. I remember only a few things from that time in our lives. But I remember enough to know that it truly is about the pain behind the behaviors of a traumatized person.
"We seek to express ourselves through attitude, feelings, and behaviors - when these are suppressed, we are left with either rage or depression." - Dr. Post
There are a lot of unknowns at this point in regards to God's plan for our lives. However, we still feel His hand guiding us towards adoption. We have one scheduled class left, and the Adoption Director has told us she'll make up the other classes we missed at our Home Study. Please, please pray for us. Satan loves to thwart those who are trying to walk with God - Cory and I are noticing we are bickering with each other the closer we get to having all of the classes done... just please continue to lift us up.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" - Jeremiah 29:11
Showing posts with label adoption. Show all posts
Showing posts with label adoption. Show all posts
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Friday, February 26, 2010
Until Only Love Remains
"Break away the ropes that bind,
and hold me to the earth.
The fire only leaves behind
whatever is of worth
I begin to see reality
for the first time in my life,
I know that I'm a shadow,
but I'm dancing in your light."
A great friend of mine, Monica, tuned me into JJ Heller's music. I haven't looked back. She is a great artist. Her my space page is on my toolbar on-line. One click takes me to her page and then one more click finds me happily lost in her music, worshiping with her. Monica also tuned me into Pandora Radio (at www.pandora.com). I very much enjoy that. I have a radio station for oldies music, one for country, and one for Worship. Music is a very integral part of my worship. I feel closer to God; I can't stand still. So many people (artists) wrote so many songs that bring me closer to my Father's Kingdom.
I particularly like "Only Love Remains" for many reasons. One is that Jesus calls us to Love. Everyone. Even those who we find it really, really difficult to love. It's difficult to *think* about loving someone if I am thinking hateful, mean, spiteful thoughts about them.
It's hard for me to think about praying for our adopted child(ren)'s birth parents. No, don't race ahead of me, we haven't adopted yet... we're still in the process. But, I want to pray for the child(ren) we will be adopting. I want to pray for their families... well, scratch that. I don't want to pray for the families. If I'm going to be really honest, I'd like to pray that they are wiped off the face of the earth for the neglect/abuse they have handed to our - I mean, God's - child(ren). However, I know I should. The Word tells us to pray for those who persecute us, and although they aren't persecuting Cory and me personally - they are persecuting those waiting for us. God has, just today, laid it on my heart to begin praying for not just the child(ren), but the parents as well.
Another reason I really like that song is because God's love can do that. If we let it. If we let Him. He wants to mold us into who we are to be. He can't do that until we 'let go and let God'.
Also, the song speaks about the sin we might not be so willing to admit. I've "murdered" people in my heart, in the past... I struggle with it sometimes, still today. But God is willing and able to take that away. He can rip our ties to the world away. He is able. We have to be willing.
I'm not perfect. I'm human, I err. But, I am willing. I want all the ties binding me to the earth - selfish desires. stubbornness. murder in my heart. all the ties - burned. I want to be a shadow of my former self - the worldly self - and I want, so much, to dance in my Father's light. And I want to be able to meet Jesus and God at the heart of worship, knowing I am freed through Christ's sacrifice, and am no longer bound to this earth.
It is the prayer of my heart to learn to love as Christ does. I want to love extravagantly, excessively, beyond what people think they deserve.
Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.
- 1 Peter 4:8
Friday, February 12, 2010
Bless the Children!
Last night's adoption training was on Attachment and Separation Issues. If I'm to be honest I went away from that class with a range of emotions flooding through me - sadness, anger, sympathy, hope, and mostly humility.
We learned that just because a child's chronological age is 10 doesn't mean upon getting a phone call, "Hi, we've got a 10 year old girl up for adoption. Are you interested?," means that when she comes to live in our home she'll behave like a 10 year old. Now, this is not something that shocked me as most of the children (we've been informed) up for adoption have been abused somehow. She could be 10 years old, but appear to be 8, think like she's 5, socialize like she's 3, and emotionally still be an infant. It was heartbreaking, that class. It invoked a lot of feelings from everyone who participated.
The last activity we did involved closing our eyes and listening to the trainer read a story. I don't remember everything word for word - and I realize you can hardly close your eyes and read this at the same time. But, just put yourself in the place of the story.... Just try to.
Imagine yourself getting ready to come to the training classes tonight. What are you doing? Showering? Making or eating dinner? Rushing out the door, and having to turn back to get your PST notebook? Imagine yourself driving here, you get here, park the car, and come to the door. There's a note taped to the door.
We learned that just because a child's chronological age is 10 doesn't mean upon getting a phone call, "Hi, we've got a 10 year old girl up for adoption. Are you interested?," means that when she comes to live in our home she'll behave like a 10 year old. Now, this is not something that shocked me as most of the children (we've been informed) up for adoption have been abused somehow. She could be 10 years old, but appear to be 8, think like she's 5, socialize like she's 3, and emotionally still be an infant. It was heartbreaking, that class. It invoked a lot of feelings from everyone who participated.
The last activity we did involved closing our eyes and listening to the trainer read a story. I don't remember everything word for word - and I realize you can hardly close your eyes and read this at the same time. But, just put yourself in the place of the story.... Just try to.
Imagine yourself getting ready to come to the training classes tonight. What are you doing? Showering? Making or eating dinner? Rushing out the door, and having to turn back to get your PST notebook? Imagine yourself driving here, you get here, park the car, and come to the door. There's a note taped to the door.
TRAINING FOR THURSDAY NIGHT CANCELED
You get back into your car and head home, deciding to just relax at home instead. You get home, change into something comfortable and head to your favorite room. What are you wearing? What room are you in? Can you see everything clearly? What are you doing? Are you relaxed yet?
BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG on the door
Now how are you feeling? You get up and go answer the door.
"Hi! Here's a trash bag. Go put whatever you need into it. You're coming with me, and hurry up cause we have to go right away." I'm walking past you, pushing a garbage bag into your hands. I follow you to your room. I watch you place your things into the bag. "Let's go!" I hurry you out the front door. You're clutching your garbage bag of possessions to your chest. How do you feel? How do you feel about me? What are you thinking?
"You'll be fine. Trust me," I say as I take your bag from you, and help you get into the car. I buckle your seat belt. I put your belongings in the trunk. I walk around to the driver side and get into the car. I start the car, and we pull away from your house. You're looking out the window, watching your home shrink slowly until you can't see it anymore. How do you feel? How do you feel about me? "Would you like the radio on? I like country and western music. You can put a tape in if you want," I start talking to you. "Did you have school today? My kids didn't. They're 8 and 10, we bundled up and went outside and had snowball fights and made a snowman! It was so much fun! You're going to just love the new house you're going to! I can't wait for you to meet your roommates. You're going to just love them! Trust me." How do you feel? How do you feel about me?
"Look! Here we are! All of your roommates are waiting outside on the porch for you. They're so happy you're here. Look, they're all smiling! Don't they look nice?" How do you feel? How do you feel about me?
What does the house look like? What do they people look like? We go inside and you meet your new roommates. How do you feel? How do you feel about me? I've asked one of the older roommates to help you get your stuff to your bedroom. You follow them slowly upstairs, clutching your bag, looking over your shoulder at me. How do you feel? How do you feel about me? You follow them to your new room. You can hear me laughing in the kitchen, I'm drinking coffee. How do you feel? How do you feel about me?
"Hey!" I call up to you, "I've got to go." You come downstairs. "I'll see you soon! You'll be fine here. These people are really nice. See ya very soon!" I walk out the door. You're standing looking out the door at me as I get into my car. I drive away. How do you feel? How do you feel about me?
There were a lot of emotions in our class during that story and afterwords we discussed them. How lonely and angry and sad and confused these children must be! Those poor little souls. They'd rather be in the environment than they grew up in - no matter how terrible it might be, because that is their comfort zone. How heartbreaking, the stories of physical, emotional, sexual, mental abuse; neglect; malnourishment! They grieve for their homes. They grieve for their families. They grieve - at such young, tender ages.
Pure love arises within a person who is unselfishly concerned with another's need.
Father, bless the children. Help them, heal them. Help the parents, heal the parents. Allow them to "forget about the past and focus on what lies ahead..." break the bad cycles, God. Help us all to love each other purely.
My old self has been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. Galatians 2:20 *Let it be so, Lord.*
"Hi! Here's a trash bag. Go put whatever you need into it. You're coming with me, and hurry up cause we have to go right away." I'm walking past you, pushing a garbage bag into your hands. I follow you to your room. I watch you place your things into the bag. "Let's go!" I hurry you out the front door. You're clutching your garbage bag of possessions to your chest. How do you feel? How do you feel about me? What are you thinking?
"You'll be fine. Trust me," I say as I take your bag from you, and help you get into the car. I buckle your seat belt. I put your belongings in the trunk. I walk around to the driver side and get into the car. I start the car, and we pull away from your house. You're looking out the window, watching your home shrink slowly until you can't see it anymore. How do you feel? How do you feel about me? "Would you like the radio on? I like country and western music. You can put a tape in if you want," I start talking to you. "Did you have school today? My kids didn't. They're 8 and 10, we bundled up and went outside and had snowball fights and made a snowman! It was so much fun! You're going to just love the new house you're going to! I can't wait for you to meet your roommates. You're going to just love them! Trust me." How do you feel? How do you feel about me?
"Look! Here we are! All of your roommates are waiting outside on the porch for you. They're so happy you're here. Look, they're all smiling! Don't they look nice?" How do you feel? How do you feel about me?
What does the house look like? What do they people look like? We go inside and you meet your new roommates. How do you feel? How do you feel about me? I've asked one of the older roommates to help you get your stuff to your bedroom. You follow them slowly upstairs, clutching your bag, looking over your shoulder at me. How do you feel? How do you feel about me? You follow them to your new room. You can hear me laughing in the kitchen, I'm drinking coffee. How do you feel? How do you feel about me?
"Hey!" I call up to you, "I've got to go." You come downstairs. "I'll see you soon! You'll be fine here. These people are really nice. See ya very soon!" I walk out the door. You're standing looking out the door at me as I get into my car. I drive away. How do you feel? How do you feel about me?
There were a lot of emotions in our class during that story and afterwords we discussed them. How lonely and angry and sad and confused these children must be! Those poor little souls. They'd rather be in the environment than they grew up in - no matter how terrible it might be, because that is their comfort zone. How heartbreaking, the stories of physical, emotional, sexual, mental abuse; neglect; malnourishment! They grieve for their homes. They grieve for their families. They grieve - at such young, tender ages.
Pure love arises within a person who is unselfishly concerned with another's need.
Father, bless the children. Help them, heal them. Help the parents, heal the parents. Allow them to "forget about the past and focus on what lies ahead..." break the bad cycles, God. Help us all to love each other purely.
My old self has been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. Galatians 2:20 *Let it be so, Lord.*
Friday, February 5, 2010
Bits n' Pieces of our life
Recently it occurred to me that if I wanted to hear *really wanted to hear* what God wanted to tell me that I had to be still. And quiet. Not an easy fete for someone who every year in school got the lovely "social butterfly" stamp at parent teacher conferences. *Rolls eyes* Ah! To have some of that mind set today. The desire and ability to just talk to whoever I wish without fear of rejection or conflict. But, I digress...
I had such an opportunity to be quiet last month on my way to pick up my brother, who lives 7 and 1/2 hours away. Normally my husband and I would have gone but this particular trip I was impatient and just wanted to get there and back, so I went on a Thursday. Without going into all of the details about my life and our life together, here's a glimpse: My dad used to be a minister; we (my hubby and I) used to go to church; I used to be a good Christian - bringing people to know Jesus; we lost two babies in miscarriage; Church became uncomfortable; I started working Sunday through Thursday; we moved to another state where I really, really was hating life for awhile.
God used about 6 hours of that trip to let me know what was on His heart for me and for Cory and I. I admit to being a little hard headed - mostly why it took 6 hours. I also admit to being hard of hearing at times, however that isn't really applicable since God wasn't speaking in an audible voice to me. It was quiet - but very powerful and effective.
I had recently been struggling with the question - Am I really saved? Years of depression, loneliness, pining for our daughters that were only meant to fill my womb for awhile, hurt caused by people in the churches we grew up in, lies spun so effortlessly by Satan bouncing around inside my head like a Super Bouncy Ball... I am pleased to report that over the past few weeks I received my answer, and it is resonating in my head and heart and nourishing my underfed soul.
"1 So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. 2 And because you belong to him, the power of the life-giving Spirit has freed you from the power of sin that leads to death." Romans 8:1-2
I still don’t know what His plans are for us. I don’t know if children are in the future… but for the first time I feel at peace about that. Even if we never have children. He told me “My plans for you are so much bigger than that. What if you never have babies? I have such a bright future for you. I want you to release yourself from your sadness. Every tear you've cried has dried in the palm of My hand” And, I can honestly say that today, I still believe that I will be okay if we never have babies, or children. I was finally able to purge myself of the guilt I'd been carrying around for almost 7 years. Guilt that honestly wasn't mine to have. Wasn't anyone's.
That doesn’t mean we aren’t going to check out some options. But, we are going to do so prayerfully. We have been talking for years about adopting. Recently we had the opportunity to learn about an organization close to where we live that has children available for Foster, Foster-to-Adopt, and/or Adoption only. We are in the process of taking the training required to become adoptive parents. These next three weeks we are in training we are going to be praying that God will move - He will show us what we are to do. If there is to be an adoptive child in our future He will be the one to make that happen.
Besides, we were informed that the majority of the 3,000 children who are in need of adoption are 7 years and older in our area. We quickly shut away that idea… and God, on my solo trip to get my brother said, “Who are you to decide that a 7 year old is not worth your love? Are they not My children also? Do they not deserve a loving home, a mother or a father?” So… I shared that with Cory when I got back home. He agreed that we need to go to the training and that God will provide a child for us if it is His will.
We are in for 3 weeks of intensive, learning-packed courses that are intended to enlighten us and get that parent mojo working. We are excited. And if I'm to be honest, I'm a little nervous. Not nervous of the classes, or being around other people... but nervous of the end result. If we are blessed with a child(ren) through adoption, Will I be a good mother?
Gulp. It's my heart's desire. What I've dreamed of since I was 12. But... I can't help but wonder. It's been Cory and me for the past 8+ years, throw in a handful of cats, fish and dogs along the way... and that's it. Our life. Could I possibly be a good mother? Worthy of raising someone else's child? I don't have the answers. Cory doesn't either. But... I am convinced that if I won't make a good mother, if we won't make great parents, if this isn't His Will for us that God will intervene.
So, we'll plod along down this unknown path and stand together at the gates of potential parent-dom. We'll be praying the whole route through. Will you join us?
I had such an opportunity to be quiet last month on my way to pick up my brother, who lives 7 and 1/2 hours away. Normally my husband and I would have gone but this particular trip I was impatient and just wanted to get there and back, so I went on a Thursday. Without going into all of the details about my life and our life together, here's a glimpse: My dad used to be a minister; we (my hubby and I) used to go to church; I used to be a good Christian - bringing people to know Jesus; we lost two babies in miscarriage; Church became uncomfortable; I started working Sunday through Thursday; we moved to another state where I really, really was hating life for awhile.
God used about 6 hours of that trip to let me know what was on His heart for me and for Cory and I. I admit to being a little hard headed - mostly why it took 6 hours. I also admit to being hard of hearing at times, however that isn't really applicable since God wasn't speaking in an audible voice to me. It was quiet - but very powerful and effective.
I had recently been struggling with the question - Am I really saved? Years of depression, loneliness, pining for our daughters that were only meant to fill my womb for awhile, hurt caused by people in the churches we grew up in, lies spun so effortlessly by Satan bouncing around inside my head like a Super Bouncy Ball... I am pleased to report that over the past few weeks I received my answer, and it is resonating in my head and heart and nourishing my underfed soul.
"1 So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. 2 And because you belong to him, the power of the life-giving Spirit has freed you from the power of sin that leads to death." Romans 8:1-2
I still don’t know what His plans are for us. I don’t know if children are in the future… but for the first time I feel at peace about that. Even if we never have children. He told me “My plans for you are so much bigger than that. What if you never have babies? I have such a bright future for you. I want you to release yourself from your sadness. Every tear you've cried has dried in the palm of My hand” And, I can honestly say that today, I still believe that I will be okay if we never have babies, or children. I was finally able to purge myself of the guilt I'd been carrying around for almost 7 years. Guilt that honestly wasn't mine to have. Wasn't anyone's.
That doesn’t mean we aren’t going to check out some options. But, we are going to do so prayerfully. We have been talking for years about adopting. Recently we had the opportunity to learn about an organization close to where we live that has children available for Foster, Foster-to-Adopt, and/or Adoption only. We are in the process of taking the training required to become adoptive parents. These next three weeks we are in training we are going to be praying that God will move - He will show us what we are to do. If there is to be an adoptive child in our future He will be the one to make that happen.
Besides, we were informed that the majority of the 3,000 children who are in need of adoption are 7 years and older in our area. We quickly shut away that idea… and God, on my solo trip to get my brother said, “Who are you to decide that a 7 year old is not worth your love? Are they not My children also? Do they not deserve a loving home, a mother or a father?” So… I shared that with Cory when I got back home. He agreed that we need to go to the training and that God will provide a child for us if it is His will.
We are in for 3 weeks of intensive, learning-packed courses that are intended to enlighten us and get that parent mojo working. We are excited. And if I'm to be honest, I'm a little nervous. Not nervous of the classes, or being around other people... but nervous of the end result. If we are blessed with a child(ren) through adoption, Will I be a good mother?
Gulp. It's my heart's desire. What I've dreamed of since I was 12. But... I can't help but wonder. It's been Cory and me for the past 8+ years, throw in a handful of cats, fish and dogs along the way... and that's it. Our life. Could I possibly be a good mother? Worthy of raising someone else's child? I don't have the answers. Cory doesn't either. But... I am convinced that if I won't make a good mother, if we won't make great parents, if this isn't His Will for us that God will intervene.
So, we'll plod along down this unknown path and stand together at the gates of potential parent-dom. We'll be praying the whole route through. Will you join us?
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