Bits n' Pieces of our life

Recently it occurred to me that if I wanted to hear *really wanted to hear* what God wanted to tell me that I had to be still. And quiet. Not an easy fete for someone who every year in school got the lovely "social butterfly" stamp at parent teacher conferences. *Rolls eyes* Ah! To have some of that mind set today. The desire and ability to just talk to whoever I wish without fear of rejection or conflict. But, I digress...

I had such an opportunity to be quiet last month on my way to pick up my brother, who lives 7 and 1/2 hours away. Normally my husband and I would have gone but this particular trip I was impatient and just wanted to get there and back, so I went on a Thursday. Without going into all of the details about my life and our life together, here's a glimpse: My dad used to be a minister; we (my hubby and I) used to go to church; I used to be a good Christian - bringing people to know Jesus; we lost two babies in miscarriage; Church became uncomfortable; I started working Sunday through Thursday; we moved to another state where I really, really was hating life for awhile.

God used about 6 hours of that trip to let me know what was on His heart for me and for Cory and I. I admit to being a little hard headed - mostly why it took 6 hours. I also admit to being hard of hearing at times, however that isn't really applicable since God wasn't speaking in an audible voice to me. It was quiet - but very powerful and effective.

I had recently been struggling with the question - Am I really saved? Years of depression, loneliness, pining for our daughters that were only meant to fill my womb for awhile, hurt caused by people in the churches we grew up in, lies spun so effortlessly by Satan bouncing around inside my head like a Super Bouncy Ball... I am pleased to report that over the past few weeks I received my answer, and it is resonating in my head and heart and nourishing my underfed soul.

"1 So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. 2 And because you belong to him, the power of the life-giving Spirit has freed you from the power of sin that leads to death." Romans 8:1-2

I still don’t know what His plans are for us. I don’t know if children are in the future… but for the first time I feel at peace about that. Even if we never have children. He told me “My plans for you are so much bigger than that. What if you never have babies? I have such a bright future for you. I want you to release yourself from your sadness. Every tear you've cried has dried in the palm of My hand” And, I can honestly say that today, I still believe that I will be okay if we never have babies, or children. I was finally able to purge myself of the guilt I'd been carrying around for almost 7 years. Guilt that honestly wasn't mine to have. Wasn't anyone's.

That doesn’t mean we aren’t going to check out some options. But, we are going to do so prayerfully. We have been talking for years about adopting. Recently we had the opportunity to learn about an organization close to where we live that has children available for Foster, Foster-to-Adopt, and/or Adoption only. We are in the process of taking the training required to become adoptive parents. These next three weeks we are in training we are going to be praying that God will move - He will show us what we are to do. If there is to be an adoptive child in our future He will be the one to make that happen.

Besides, we were informed that the majority of the 3,000 children who are in need of adoption are 7 years and older in our area. We quickly shut away that idea… and God, on my solo trip to get my brother said, “Who are you to decide that a 7 year old is not worth your love? Are they not My children also? Do they not deserve a loving home, a mother or a father?” So… I shared that with Cory when I got back home. He agreed that we need to go to the training and that God will provide a child for us if it is His will.

We are in for 3 weeks of intensive, learning-packed courses that are intended to enlighten us and get that parent mojo working. We are excited. And if I'm to be honest, I'm a little nervous. Not nervous of the classes, or being around other people... but nervous of the end result. If we are blessed with a child(ren) through adoption, Will I be a good mother?

Gulp. It's my heart's desire. What I've dreamed of since I was 12. But... I can't help but wonder. It's been Cory and me for the past 8+ years, throw in a handful of cats, fish and dogs along the way... and that's it. Our life. Could I possibly be a good mother? Worthy of raising someone else's child? I don't have the answers. Cory doesn't either. But... I am convinced that if I won't make a good mother, if we won't make great parents, if this isn't His Will for us that God will intervene.

So, we'll plod along down this unknown path and stand together at the gates of potential parent-dom. We'll be praying the whole route through. Will you join us?