Filling in the Gap

Wow! I can scarcely believe that my last post was as long ago as it was!!

Let's see if I can summarize the past few months:

In June I began college classes at a community college. I am working on my associate's degree, but the end hope finds me with a Master of Arts in Counseling. I have a loooong way to go! Unfortunately, my financial aid fell through for Fall Quarter and now I may need to rethink my college plans... at any rate it will take longer than I anticipated to get from my associates to my masters. I took Intro to Psychology I, Cultural Diversity & Racism, FYE, and Speech over Summer Quarter. Classes lasted through the second week of August. Pretty much all of my time was devoted to studying, researching, and writing papers. My fabulous husband really stepped up to the plate, helping me clean up around the house, and cooking EVERY meal ate at home during the quarter. I finished the quarter with a 4.0 GPA, and a very sensible dose of self-esteem! Hopefully, the situation with financial aid will straighten itself out before Winter Quarter begins. If not, we have some back up plans.

My final class was on August 12th. That evening I picked up my if-I-could-adopt-a-little-brother "brother" Vance and a friend of his, and we left for Florida. We went down to volunteer at a Back to School Bash that an old friend of mine helps to coordinate. We also went down to spend time at the beach!

The one to the left of me is Vance, then yours truly, Mike (who is my friend who coordinated the event) and Josh on the right. There were 9,000 stuffed backpacks that we were helping to give away to kids in Central Florida. Last year the line was over 2 miles long. This year they expected 25,000 people to come for help. Free haircuts, immunizations, eye screenings, and health screenings were provided.







We went to New Smyrna beach, and we hung out with my aunt & uncle and cousins in Winter Springs. We went bowling, and went to Wonder Works in Orlando. I took them to the house I grew up in at our old subdivision. It was vacant and had a foreclosed sign on it, so they went exploring the outside. We went into the backyard and I was so disheartened to see that one of the former owners removed the in-ground pool! I have a lot of fond childhood memories from that house, it was so sad to see it rundown.



<-- Vance & Josh hamming it up at New Smyrna Beach

Vance & me at the beach

Then we left Florida and went to Virginia and spent a couple nights at my parents' home. They hadn't seen Vance for 12 years, needless to say he was all grown up. We went spelunking at Endless Caverns. But basically, we just rested there. That drive to Florida is a killer!

August also saw both Cory and I ringing in our 30th birthdays! He feels "old." I'm excited to see what the next 30 years will bring our way. September came and went by so fast I barely noticed. Cory and I went to the Outer Banks where we had rented a beach house with my parents for a week. It was nice to get away, the weather was quite cooperative most of the time. I was stressing about getting back home right before Fall Qtr was due to start, so I wasn't having the best time possible. But it was good to be with them, to just hang out playing cards, to cook together... to laugh together. It was peaceful to just walk the beach combing the sand for shells. We celebrated our 9th wedding anniversary on September 14th.

Once we came back here and college didn't happen for me I began to panic a bit. I questioned what I was doing, whether or not it was the right choice to go to school, and many other things. What I didn't do right away is what I should have done, taken it to my Father. I have been reminded - sometimes with more force than others - that He sees the big picture, I only get it in fragments. I need to be more thankful for that! I am afraid if I saw the big picture I would be neurotically making plans to take control and make it happen. God is in control. And God is good - ALL the time, especially when it doesn't make sense!

Cory and I became members of our church a couple of weeks ago. Our churches small groups have started up and we are involved in one. And it just happened that one of the couples in our small group needed a babysitter part-time, three days a week. Their former sitter is expecting and resigned. If I had been in college there is NO way (read my lips - NOOOOOOO way) I could have stepped in. I told them that I could watch their boys through the end of the year, possibly longer depending on how the financial aid thing turns out. The extra money comes at *just* the right time for us! We begin tearing apart the other drop ceiling in our house tonight, and the rebuilding of a new drywall ceiling begins later this week. We are hoping to have the ceiling done, a coat closet built, new flooring, and the room painted by Thanksgiving. Keep in mind we were planning to do this while I was taking 17 credit hours this quarter. God is good - All the time!

Cory's overtime is running out, and thankfully he is guaranteed (because his job is union backed) 40 hours of pay a week, even if there isn't 40 hours of work. The money from the babysitting job will come in handy this winter when our electric bill is ridiculous (again). Although, we're hoping that we can save up and buy a wood stove as our gift for each other this Christmas... and if not I might have to make him insulate some rooms so we can get some relief from the cold.

September we celebrated being in our own home for a year, also. We've made friends in church; met some of our neighbors; completed adoption training; completed the kitchen, the mud room, the laundry room; paid off some debts; taken a real vacation; we have recently begun walking the dogs every day (even on the cold and/or rainy ones). I am thrilled, ecstatic even to say that I have lost - and maintained the loss!!!!!!!! - 31.7 pounds over the past year. I don't know how much Cory has lost, but he has lost weight and kept it off as well. This year has been very good to us. Praise God.

Watch the Way You Talk!

I have a slight tendency to be .... sarcastic. I know, some of you that may take by surprise. *wink* But, I assure you, I am - it is not something that always brings me pride. Lately, I have been thinking to myself that I should really, really try to knock it down a few knotches.

Especially because I have this habit of reminding my fabulous husband that he should watch himself so that the only things coming out of his mouth are helpful for building others up. I am currently cringing and the thought chorus going through my head is "Hypocrite!"

In Ephesians, Paul writes to the church at Ephesus to encourage them. I very much like The Message version of Ephesians 4:29, because it just hits the nail on the head... there is no way you can read the verse and think, "but does it really mean {insert}?" It is direct, (much like my sarcasm tends to be) and it reads:

"Watch the way you talk. Let nothing foul or dirty come out of your mouth. Say only what helps, each word a gift."

Pretty black and white. If I were to sit down and see a computerized version of everything I said on any given day - gulp - I am afraid that more often than not my gifts to those around me, or those far away (gotta love technology!) are not the pretty kind, you know those large, lavishly decorated gifts someone always brings to a birthday party or wedding or Chrismas. The kind that when other people see it they think "Goodness! I hope that's for me! Surely something great is in there! Oh I hope! I hope!" Yeah, most of my 'gifts' are not those kind.

I'm reminded of a story called Nails in the fence. And, here it is:

There once was a little boy who had a bad temper. His father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper he must hammer a nail into the back of the fence. The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence. Over the next few weeks, as he learned to control his anger, the number of nails hammered daily gradually dwindled down. He discovered it was a lot easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence.

Finally came the day when the boy didn't lose his temper at all. He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail each day that he was able to hold his temper.

The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that the nails were all gone. The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence. He said, "You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one. You can put a knife in a man and draw it out. It won't matter how many times you say I'm sorry, the wound is still there."

A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one. Friends are very rare jewels, indeed! They make you smile and encourage you to succeed. They lend an ear, they share words of praise, and they always want to open their hearts to us.

Just one more thing.... please forgive me if I have ever left a hole in your fence.

If you removed the bad temper and made it a woman who said things sarcastically, that could be me... And as I was sitting here typing that story the Holy Spirit moved inside me and prompted this thought, "Jesus has your nail holes - for everytime you said something you shouldn't, for everytime you spoke in anger, for everytime you did something you were not supposed to do. His hands will not be the same, they bare the scars. But, He will make you smile, He encourages you to succeed, He lends and ear, He shares words of praise, and His heart is always open to you."

Please forgive me if my words or actions have put holes into your fences. I am far from perfect, but thank God that He isn't. And He is the potter, making me and molding me into the person He desires for me to be.

THIS is Who I Am

All Most of us at some point in our life have done the search. Looking for who we are at our core - without the influences of friends and family. Some people have taken drastic steps trying to find themselves. Some people spend their entire adult life searching for themselves - seeking their place in this world.

The world offers so many things that on the surface seem so appealing... alluring... intoxicating... It is sometimes too easy to forget, while we are wrapped up in our chock-full schedules, that this is not our permanent home. It's temporary... if you spend your whole life searching for where you fit in, what have you gained?

"The world and its desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever."
1 John 2:17

True Things by JJ Heller

I’m not the clothes I’m wearing
I’m not a photograph
I’m not the car I drive

I’m not the money I make
I’m not the things I lack
I’m not the songs that I write

I am I am I am who I am
I am who I am

********

I’m not the house I live in
I’m not the man I love
I’m not the mistakes that I carry

I’m not the food that I don’t eat
I’m not what I’m above
I’m not my scars and my history

************************************

People often look at others and define themselves by things that are seen or have been done, and while that shows a glimpse of the person it is only the tip of the iceberg. God's Word reveals so much - in so many different areas of life. I was exceptionally pleased to find out that I could .stop. searching for who I am.

I have been incredibly blessed to be doing a Bible study on a book (Confessions of a PMS-Crazed Saint by Lorraine Pintus) that points out something I never noticed! There are 38 "I am" statements in the Bible that reveal to us who we are in Christ. 38 of them! God put them in there because Satan likes to devalue us - to make us feel unworthy, unholy, unloved. The book encourages me to study or meditate on just ONE I am truth and to realize that I can say these 38 statements with complete confidence. Satan cannot remove or make that confidence waiver - know why? Because the 38 I am identities come straight from God, they were not given to me by my husband, my parents, my friends, my fourth grade teacher, they came from my Holy Heavenly Father.

These are the 38 I am identities and I pray that you will claim any and/or all of them as your own!

I am the salt of the earth
I am the light of the world
I am a child of God
I am part of the true vine, a branch of Christ's life
I am Christ's friend
I am chosen and appointed by Christ to bear His fruit
I am a personal witness of Christ
I am a slave of righteousness
I am enslaved to God
I am a son (daughter) of God
I am a joint-heir with Christ and share in His inheritance
I am a temple of God and His Spirit lives in me
I am joined to the Lord and I am one in spirit with Him
I am part of Christ's body
I am a new creation
I am reconciled to God and am a minister of reconciliation
I am a son (daughter) of God and one with Christ
I am an heir of God since I am a son (daughter) of Christ
I am a saint
I am God's workmanship
I am a fellow citizen with the rest of God's family
I am a prisoner of Christ
I am righteous and holy
I am a citizen of Heaven
I am hidden with Christ in God
I am an expression of the life of Christ; He is my life
I am chosen of God, holy and dearly loved
I am chosen and dearly loved by God
I am a son (daughter) of light and not of darkness
I am a holy brother (sister) and I have a heavenly calling
I am a partaker Christ - I share in His life
I am one of God's living stones
I am part of a chosen race and a loyal priesthood; I am God's own possession
I am an alien and stranger in this world
I am an enemy of the devil
I am a child of God; I will resemble Christ when He returns
I am born of God and the devil can't touch me
I am a sheep of His pasture; He cares for me

It's time we took a stand for who we are in Christ. It's time to mentor our children now to learn who they are in Christ, so that as they grow up hopefully they will continue to keep that in their minds and hearts and not search this world looking for themselves.

Food for Thought

We had a phenomenal class on Saturday. To be honest, it was the one I dreaded most - Discipline and Behavior. Here are some things that I walked away with:

God didn't call anyone to do anything that didn't cost them something (time, love, money, etc).

When these children come into our (the class, and Cory's and mine) homes it's not going to be easy. There are going to be times we think "Wow! Praise God, today was a great day!" but there will be other times where we think, "Really, God? You're sure? You called me to do this? I can't handle another second with these kids!" We found out that a lot - a LOT - of kids who have been abused and traumatized and become adopted return to the system. Their behaviors were more than the adoptive parents felt they could handle.

Now. Just... imagine that. You were removed from your family and put into foster care. Your family couldn't/didn't/wouldn't complete their case plan. They terminated their parental rights. Cut off. From the only real family you knew growing up. Now, you're being adopted, you're self-worth starts to rise... you might even begin to believe that people could love you again... and then bam! You find yourself being removed from that home and put back into foster care. What would you think? Most kids think it's all their fault.

Around 88% of persons incarcerated aged out of foster care - meaning they weren't reunited with their families and no one else chose to love them like Jesus. No one else would look past the behaviors, the attitudes to see the insecurities lying beneath.

Our words are seeds, they will take root and they will either ruin or blossom. Behaviors are just the fruit. If the fruits are undesirable you have to deal with the roots first. When new roots grow, the fruits will change, too. This wasn't completely new to me... however, I finally got it. The issues I've had to overcome with my self-worth, self-esteem, self-loathing - they all came from negative 'seeds' spoken to me, "You're too fat," "You're too skinny," "Why can't you be more like so and so?," "You're stupid!," those seeds took root. They expanded and bloomed. The 'fruit' was tainted. I still have a problem with those roots every once in awhile - like a weed popping up. I have to remind myself of how God sees me.

Is parental intervention adding stress or fear? If so, it's counterproductive. Why do we seek to control behaviors? Is it easy to listen to behaviors? It's not what they say, it's what you hear that matters most. People may scream at you that they hate you, but what they might really be feeling is fear. Things need to not be about the behavior, they need to be about the pain behind the behavior. This really was not new to us. When we were going through the years of depression following the loss of our first baby, I was hateful - and that is putting it mildly; I hurt so badly, but I didn't know how to express it in a healthy manner. Fortunately, thank you Jesus, I don't remember very much from those three years. I begged God to take those horrible memories away from me, I didn't want to be haunted by them - I didn't want Satan to just be able to casually slip them into my day. God is faithful and just. I remember only a few things from that time in our lives. But I remember enough to know that it truly is about the pain behind the behaviors of a traumatized person.

"We seek to express ourselves through attitude, feelings, and behaviors - when these are suppressed, we are left with either rage or depression." - Dr. Post

There are a lot of unknowns at this point in regards to God's plan for our lives. However, we still feel His hand guiding us towards adoption. We have one scheduled class left, and the Adoption Director has told us she'll make up the other classes we missed at our Home Study. Please, please pray for us. Satan loves to thwart those who are trying to walk with God - Cory and I are noticing we are bickering with each other the closer we get to having all of the classes done... just please continue to lift us up.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" - Jeremiah 29:11

A Gentle Whisper

We have an all-powerful God. When He desires our attention He gets it! Sometimes He does so in unexpected ways. Through 4am wake up calls on the weekend with a praise song going round and round in your head *wink*, to a friend calling out of the blue when you most need someone to talk to, to a gentle whisper.

11 The LORD said, "Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the LORD, for the LORD is about to pass by." Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. 12 After the earthquake came a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. 13 When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave. Then a voice said to him, "What are you doing here, Elijah?" - 1 Kings 19:11-13 (my italics)

Elijah had been running for his life, Queen Jezebel and King Ahab had put a contract out on Elijah's life. He wandered into the wilderness and the angel of the Lord fed him, protected him, and led him to Mt. Sinai. When Elijah heard the voice, he went out and talked to God. Elijah told the Lord his fears and worries. The quiet voice of God responded with comfort and a further assignment, getting Elijah back on track.

As humans we often can find ourselves wandering through an emotional, physical, psychological or spiritual wilderness. We feel alone and/or abandoned; we have doubt in ourselves and the things around us; a situation we're facing is daunting, and we are intimidated and fearful. Looking back, I see where the angel of the Lord ministered to me through some of the wildernesses I've had to face. It's encouraging to know that even when I felt abandoned, God was there. Always. For the LORD will not reject his people; he will never forsake his inheritance. - Psalm 94:14; "The poor and needy search for water, but there is none; their tongues are parched with thirst. But I the LORD will answer them; I, the God of Israel, will not forsake them. - Isaiah 41:16-18; I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them. - Isaiah 42:15-17

When you are weighed down by fear, doubt, stress, and worry you may need to sit quietly and simply ask God to breath on you. He will restore your tired soul, and encourage your heart with His gentle whisper.

Fill Me Up, Lord

"The first purpose of prayer is to know God." - Charles L. Allen

When I read that this evening, I thought, "Wow!" Truly. I mean, I know that we pray to learn God's will, and I imagine I even knew that a purpose of prayer was to really know Him... but it hit me tonight. Like a brick.

I've prayed for many things in my years - passing test grades; to make friends; for my family to stop having to move around; for my husband before I met him; for babies; for friends and family; healing - physical, emotional and psychological; for God's will to be clear; for so, sooo much. But, I can't seem to remember a time where I just prayed for God to reveal HIMSELF to me.

In all relationships, friendships or any other "-ships" where people are dealing with each other they get to know each other. Personal, intimate details are involved - sometimes a little too much. Likes and dislikes are discovered. God, being who He is, knows all of my personal, intimate details... I have been ashamed many times knowing what He knows that others don't. He knows my heart. My thoughts. He knows all of it. It's high time I got to know Him deeper, more intimately.

The priests could not continue their service because of the cloud, for the glorious presence of the Lord filled the Temple. - 1 Kings 8:34

I want that. To not be able to continue what I want because God's glorious presence fills me. I imagine it's a bit difficult to be filled with something and not intimately know said Something.

Fill my cup, Lord,
I lift it up, Lord!
Come and quench this thirsting of my soul;
Bread of Heaven,
Feed me till I want not more
Fill my cup, Lord,
Fill it up and make me whole!

Until Only Love Remains

"Break away the ropes that bind,
and hold me to the earth.
The fire only leaves behind
whatever is of worth
I begin to see reality
for the first time in my life,
I know that I'm a shadow,
but I'm dancing in your light."

A great friend of mine, Monica, tuned me into JJ Heller's music. I haven't looked back. She is a great artist. Her my space page is on my toolbar on-line. One click takes me to her page and then one more click finds me happily lost in her music, worshiping with her. Monica also tuned me into Pandora Radio (at www.pandora.com). I very much enjoy that. I have a radio station for oldies music, one for country, and one for Worship. Music is a very integral part of my worship. I feel closer to God; I can't stand still. So many people (artists) wrote so many songs that bring me closer to my Father's Kingdom.

I particularly like "Only Love Remains" for many reasons. One is that Jesus calls us to Love. Everyone. Even those who we find it really, really difficult to love. It's difficult to *think* about loving someone if I am thinking hateful, mean, spiteful thoughts about them.

It's hard for me to think about praying for our adopted child(ren)'s birth parents. No, don't race ahead of me, we haven't adopted yet... we're still in the process. But, I want to pray for the child(ren) we will be adopting. I want to pray for their families... well, scratch that. I don't want to pray for the families. If I'm going to be really honest, I'd like to pray that they are wiped off the face of the earth for the neglect/abuse they have handed to our - I mean, God's - child(ren). However, I know I should. The Word tells us to pray for those who persecute us, and although they aren't persecuting Cory and me personally - they are persecuting those waiting for us. God has, just today, laid it on my heart to begin praying for not just the child(ren), but the parents as well.

Another reason I really like that song is because God's love can do that. If we let it. If we let Him. He wants to mold us into who we are to be. He can't do that until we 'let go and let God'.

Also, the song speaks about the sin we might not be so willing to admit. I've "murdered" people in my heart, in the past... I struggle with it sometimes, still today. But God is willing and able to take that away. He can rip our ties to the world away. He is able. We have to be willing.

I'm not perfect. I'm human, I err. But, I am willing. I want all the ties binding me to the earth - selfish desires. stubbornness. murder in my heart. all the ties - burned. I want to be a shadow of my former self - the worldly self - and I want, so much, to dance in my Father's light. And I want to be able to meet Jesus and God at the heart of worship, knowing I am freed through Christ's sacrifice, and am no longer bound to this earth.

It is the prayer of my heart to learn to love as Christ does. I want to love extravagantly, excessively, beyond what people think they deserve.

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.
- 1 Peter 4:8